Revalations

I know I haven't been on in awhile , but it's because I've been through a lot in the month I've been gone .

First off , my brother turned 5 years old & is now in 1st grade! Definitely moments to celebrate , as I always wanted to be a big brother . It seems as though time is passing by so quickly , it's horrifying .To think that he's now in grade school ,when just the other day he was being born.


Also , my mother's new boyfriend moved in about 3 weeks ago & things aren't working out exactly how she planned them too . It's not that we don't get along , but that she now has set so many expectations that I just don't agree with . She's so infatuated with him , that she forgets that I still have to get used to another man being in our house . I'm confused myself , but it's not a subject I like to get into much .


Anyways , my mother went back to school , so now our schedule is kind of crowded . She'll be finishing college when I'm starting it , the irony. What I'm learning now is actually what she's learning now , so I help her a little now & then with her homework . Our relationship has been going downhill , but we cope with the stress . There's more important things we need to deal with.

I finally got a phone , in which to my surprise was bought by my father . I still have issues with him but at least he got me what I needed . I've slept over his house a couple of times since last year , but it was only to take care of my sister . I honestly don't like him still , but I do recognize that he is still my father & therefore we need to be civil .

Me & my grandfather don't talk anymore, like this time I think it's forever . Apparently in his opinion , I'm out to ruin the family . He constantly insults me , calling me a asshole & other insulting names that are inappropriate . I don't need negativity in my life , regardless of who it's from . So I don't talk to him , & hopefully never will again .

Another huge thing going on in my life currently is this school trip I have in about 3 weeks. Since I recently found out that we can chose who we want to room with , I've been contimplating & thinking  about who actually wouldn't mind sleeping in a room with me . I've realized that I doubt any guy would be willing or comfortable enough with me , so I've tried asking the school if I could sleep with the girls instead . I was told that I'd either be with the girls , or have my own room . Either way , as long as I'm not with any guys , I'm okay .


On a better note , I recently graduated from the after school program that I attend . I got a certificate yesterday , announcing my completion . I was told that I was chosen to continue the program , meaning that if I attend until January , I will offically be able to teach other teens about safe sex & get paid . It will eventually become my job .

So you see ? My life's a disaster at the moment . I'm dealing with all of this while trying to stay focused on school & myself .

So much has happened , I honestly stopped caring about so many things. I don't trust my family , & I'm perfectly fine with that . I feel like a adult at this point . I'm taking care of kids , working , in school , all things that people twice my age should be dealing with . I've realized that if I care about every single that goes on , I'm going to go crazy . I can't let eveything trip me up , & my way of dealing with that is just not caring anymore . Is that bad ? To be comfortable without having family I could depend on ? To trust my friends as if  they were family ? 

I hate creating a sob story , but it's called life . All I can do now is try my best to survive .

Someone

School .

The first day of my 10th grade year was absurdly interesting . It was great to see all the familiar faces & finally get back to UCHS ! I was looking forward to beginning the new school year with new friendships & getting to know all the new staff . 

Of course , things don't work out the way one plans them too . 

Already on the first week of school I felt unwanted & less then . The freshman began to realize the person I really was , if you know what I mean . Their reactions were so immature & so hard to ignore . All I saw were faces , staring & laughing , as if I was some kind of freak show that no one has ever seen before .

To me , it got WORSE & that was a truth I didn't want to face .

. . .

However , things got better . The same guy that quoted the bible to me a year ago, telling me I was going to hell , was the same guy that came up to me , gave me a hand shake & asked me how I was doing a couple of days ago . No one instructed him to do so but his own conscience . While this may seem like nothing to many , to me it was practically everything . It reassured me that all my hard work & bravery was paying off . It informed me that my actions were clearly changing the people around .

Another guy that just a couple of months ago told my friend that he didn't believe God made me , was the same person that told me I was a great friend who gave exceptionally well advice .

I see it . I see what a great influence I've become to many people , guys in particular . Atlas maturity levels are gradually rising & society's realizing its ignorance .

I'm SOMEONE now , it's amazing .

Enfin, je suis à la maison

I've always felt as though I was a outlier in this world of normalcy . 

No one to understand the reasoning for my actions or the development of my ways .

But yesterday , I found something . Something that practically changed my life for the better . 

I went to this program called Latino Youth in Action where they basically teach you about safe sex while also building beneficial relationships with future peers . Dedicated to teens , they provide counseling , HIV testing , food & much more for FREE . The program also is centered on gay rights and equality . It serves as a friendly environment for everyone and it's a really amazing way to meet amazing people . 

Continuing on , although I was nervous & hesitant to go , my eagerness to find a place for myself  took over my fears . Monday morning I woke up , dolled myself up , & met up with my friend Dashwan , the same person that introduced me to the program in the first place .

Once I was in the elevator to the building , my insides began to cave in . I found it unusual that I was so fearful of what was to come , yet so eager to get there . I walk through the doors & could feel the love in the air . The environment was like that of Heaven & the I could sense little angels nearby .

To my amusement , every teen guy I saw was feminine . They all had that spunky personality & walked as though they were modelling for a trade show . I found it hilarious , but also brave . I could never be so willing as they were ; not because I didn't want to , but because I felt like I couldn't .

After about three hours of getting to know everyone & sharing a couple of laughs , we traveled to a pier in Manhattan . This part is really hard to explain with words .

Everyone was either dancing , play fighting , or cursing someone out . It was some of the best moments in my life thus far & made me forget all negative thoughts , things , & people . While everyone was doing their own little thing , I went to the edge of the water , took out a penny , made a wish & threw it into the ocean .

It was the first instance of true happiness in my life . I didn't want to leave these group of people . Although I was extremely shy & barely knew everyone on a personal level , something about them made me feel safe .

Going home Monday evening definitely had me emotional . For ME , this was more then what It actually seemed . It was a part of my life that I didn't want gone , nor did I ever want to forget . I hope & pray that I make new friends at this program . It's the start of a new beginning that hopefully will never end .

Just think about it , how would you feel if you could be in a place where you could be yourself without judgement ? A place where everyone understood you because they all went through what you endured ?

I could now say that finally , I was home .


For more information on Latino Youth in Action , go on their website at http://lyia.hafnyc.org/  .

Half Way There

Over a month has gone by since my first year of high school has ended , & I'm quickly shuffling my thoughts together as I come across sophomore year . Now that I've experienced several aspects of what it takes to be a successful student , I'm now beginning to think of the future in the present , rather then wait until the future becomes the present . I've learned that by thinking with the end in mind , one can be better prepared for what's soon to come .

In complete honesty , fear has once again made its way into me . Two of my favorite & trustworthy teachers have left this year , Ms.Mary Mitchell & Mr.Joseph Baker .

 Ms.Mitchell was my school's social worker . But more importantly , she was my friend . Whatever it was that I was going through , no matter how cramped her schedule looked , she always found time to check up on me . If it wasn't for her , I most likely would've gotten suspended for the first time . Now that she's no longer going to be with me , I'm a little worried that I won't have that relationship with any other adult figure . I now have to look within myself  , rather then confide in someone else .

Mr.Baker was more then just a 10th grade Spanish teacher . He was the only adult that I could tell everything to ; he understood everything I said because he had gone through similar situations. To not have that person that shared mutual understanding with me is going to be difficult . I now have to rely on the outside perspective of other students and staff . While they might know what I'm going through , they'll never understand it .

I realize that for the first time , I'm going to have to mend on my own . Although I know that I have many supporters & friends , I don't want to have to rely on them . At the end of the day , I must make a choice that I know will most likely benefit me .

I've noticed that there's been a lot of talk surrounding UCHS . How race & racial profiling plays into the atmosphere of the staff & school in general . Though I haven't dealt with this on a personal level , I completely understand & have witnessed the miscommunication between staff & students . This needs to change .

I hope that for my 2nd year being a high school student the relationship between teachers & students gets progressively better . I feel that if that was to occur , then the relationship between students would also benefit . If we all feel as though there's someone we can go to , there would be less we'd be having to express to each other , whether or not that's verbally or physically .

I'll go through the year with this motto in mind : Hope for the best & expect for the worst . I've realized that setting up expectations for society is a recipe for disaster . Not everyone is going to abide to what you want in life and frankly no one really cares but a handful of people . Realize & recognize who truly cares & matters .

By far the most important thing I believe I need to do is to be a inspiration . Obstacles are bound to stand in my way , negativity is bound to push me off track , but it's what I do after that that really matters . Strength & perseverance are going to bring out my true colors . I refuse to be pushed around like I always was , & I want to finally defend myself ! Others fighting my battles teach me nothing , & the one way I'll earn respect is if I prove that I deserve it .

I set high expectations for myself , simply because I want to be the best I know I can be . There's always room for improvement , and there's no way I can be perfect . But with a fierce demeanor & a constructive mind , I can achieve my goal of changing the world .

A Mirage isn't Reality

The other day I was talking with one of my closest friends , Kayla , & I was telling her about my experience at my first ever Pride Parade .

I finally got to see the support I never thought existed . The eccentric clothing , upbeat music , rainbow flags being proudly held over every one's head . It was so difficult to conceal all my emotions & tears , for all this had been new to me . I've never been in such a friendly , loving , & accepting environment . In the three hours that I was there , I can truly say that I wish it would've lasted forever . My life before this moment was full of pessimistic views & ideas ; it was engulfed in the belief that I wasn't loved for how I was made . But all that quickly changed .

Anyways , while talking to Kayla , it was clear that something I said had caught her attention because she began to clap immediately after . I said to her :

" I finally realized that the world isn't as bad as I thought it was .''

When she clapped after I said that , It really made me second guess my thoughts . Was I really making myself seem like a victim in a place so innocent as America ? Had I exaggerated my struggles & obstacles just to receive sympathy & empathy ? Or was I simply another teenager that completely disregarded the world & it's struggles , and tried to draw all the attention selfishly to myself ?


I felt horrible . Knowing that It seemed as though I looked at everyone so negatively ,  hurt me . But then again , my past shaped my future .


I was told that I needed medical & social attention immediately after I came out to my father . I have been told to kill myself on many occasions by other teenagers in the area for being gay . I've had to call 911 for being the victim of a hate crime . I've had people quote verses in the bible to me such as ,''If a man also lie with mankind , as he lieth with a woman , both of them have committed a abomination : they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them (leviticus 20:13) . I've had other students write on bathroom walls saying that I'm a ''faggot'' . I've faced ridicule by complete strangers & have felt distressed from hearing on the news of people that have been killed for being who they were . I've been called by strangers who blocked their numbers asking if I'd engage in sexual activities for money because apparently to them that's what gay people do .

So maybe it's not me . Maybe it's society that's made me see this mirage that was never there . Or is it there ? Is all this really my fault ?

 I love where I live . America : the land of opportunity . New York : the city that never sleeps . There's just apart of me that feels as though I should be glad that I live in a state that allows same-sex marriage for when I get married . I can't help but get upset at myself because I'm lucky that I'm in the position that I'm in . There's children starving in other countries . There's people out there that are in worse predicaments than I'm in . There's others fighting for their lives , yet I have the audacity to complain .

I'm honestly confused . One side of me believes that I don't have the right to put so much attention on my problems , but the other side of me believes that this is a issue beyond my life . This is a world-wide issue that can contribute a lot to the world we live in if fixed .

I'm really at a point in my life where I feel stuck . Stuck between these mirages , and reality .

A Change ...

I have the honor and privilege to continue the legacy that Michelle Soto has put before me . I wish her the best in college and the rest of her life . She will surely go on to greatness in the near future. Now , to introduce you all of who I may be , I will inform you some of the characteristics I attain .

My full name is Manuel Ivan Rodriguez , but I go by Manny . I'm currently 15 years of age and have just graduated my freshman year of high school . My goal in life is simple : to change the world . 

We're often faced with the inevitable obstacles that the cycle of life is bound to bring to us . I have unfortunately been a victim of the ignorance of many individuals . Time after time have I been verbally , mentally , and emotionally abused just because I'm gay .

Believe me when I say that I'm fully aware of what high school brings to anyone's life . I know that it's that time where everyone's figuring themselves out , fitting in with the crowd , exchanging rude and mean comments to each other , etc . It's that time where teenagers become teenagers and we just naturally act out . However , never did I believe that it was ever okay . 

My dream is to one day , see a world where we really ARE all equal . Where we ALL have the same opportunities in life and aren't denied those opportunities for ANY reason . I'd also like to see a world where we aren't discriminated for those reasons . A world where society is accepting of  ideas and lifestyles that may be foreign to them in order to make the place we live a better place .

While this may seem virtually impossible , I'm fully devoted to it . Currently , I'm the only openly gay male in my high school . As challenging as it may sound , I honestly wouldn't want to change that for the world . I've grown to learn that different is good . With amazing teachers and students like Michelle , Uncommon Charter High School is one of the most accepting schools ever . 

In the one year that I've been in UCHS , I have made tremendous progress in life . I am a honor roll student , and have yet to build one bad relationship with my professors . I've received certificates and even a trophy to prove my integrity and dedication to my school ethic . I'm currently in the process of making a autobiography that I hope to one day publish . 

At home I am the older brother of three younger siblings . My little brother Ryan who is five , Jonathan who is three , and my sister who is one . I thank God for blessing me with such wonderful siblings . Having parents that did separate when I was only four , I have two amazing families that are both annoying and loving . I am a certified model and a devoted writer .

While I do want to express my life with you guys , I don't want to give off the impression that I'm some kind of perfect super human on a perfect road . In reality , I'm the farthest thing from it . For example , I care deeply about how other people perceive me . I don't have that " I don't care about what people think about me" kind of attitude . In my mindset , my entire vision relies on how others see me as . If people don't like me , how will my voice ever be heard  if they won't even bother to listen ? How can my dreams be achieved , if I have no one to support me ? 

In addition , the language in today's society , upsets me deeply . This idea of saying "nigga" to another African American makes me sick . Why do such a thing when it was used to degrade them ? I find it so sad and thoughtless that one would use such slang to call upon another man . Similarly , when someone says something like " No mon " , " Battymon "  , " That's so gay "or "fag" , it really bothers me . Because by saying those things , you're making it seem as if it's somehow bad to be gay . In my opinion , we've used such language for such a long time that it has made its way into our vocabulary and has become "normal" when in reality , it's wrong . Now one may not see these things as flaws , but another may see this as me being uptight or someone that takes life too seriously . I must admit , I do , as one would say , " play by the rules "  but it's only for the sake of having a good reputation while also living life to its full potential . 

At 15 years old , I've been told that I'm very mature and brave for my age . I've been told that I'm someone to revere and that I'm a exceptional leader . 

Ghandi once said " Be the change you wish to see in the world " and that's the motto I live up to . If I really want my dreams to come true , I will put my best foot forward to be that change to see them .

I'm exicted to share with you all my life , my thoughts , and my dreams . I hope that I really do impact peoples' lives and that you may see how dedicated I am to really making that change . I would also like any feedback and advice that you may have . At my age I'm still learning many things and for someone to contribute their thoughts would really be helpful . Thank you .

                                                                                                          Love , Manny ~

I bid adieu

 It hasn't hit me that I'm a graduate yet, not until today, because I have yet to say goodbye. But the truth is, I won't ever have to say goodbye, because UCHS has been a part of my identity for so long. But now it's time for me to realize that this is my time to see what else is out there for me, at Bay Path, in life. The next chapter of my life is not set in stone, In fact, far from it, and for once, that excites me. It thrills me to think of what will happen next. And with the next chapter of my life will come a new blog, that acts not as a fresh start, but a continuation of the documentation of my thoughts and words.
Before I hand down this legacy however, I have some words of wisdom and gratitude to the people who have inspired me.

        To my beloved Manny, the next keeper of this blog, you have always amazed me with your honesty and your bravery, and your grace. I am moved by your words, moved to tears, so much that you were the only person who could be the next writer that will decide what this blog will become. You are a beautiful person, inside and out, who will inspire just by being yourself.

         Señor Panadero,

No hay palabras suficientes a expresar tu efecto en mi. Eres una persona con un amor para la vida que nadie puede quitar. Esto es solo el comienzo de una amistad que va durar para muchos años despues de hoy. 

Ms. Goda, 

 Need I say more? Your name should be enough for people to understand how inspiring, moving, and loved you are. You changed my life.


Ms. Algozo,

Your words and presence has left a mark on me, and all the students, because when you speak, people listen. I can't wait to see what your new school you are opening brings, and wish you congratulations, for I am so proud. Expect that I keep in touch, a congratulatory dinner for the opening of your school that I know will change lives, and keep a slot open for my future child.

Ms. Rhollans,

The sweetest teacher I have ever met, I will never forget that story you told me about your sister, and will remember it when my dreams seem too far away to grasp.

Mr. Campbell,

You gave me my first dream role; Audrey from Little Shop, where I fell in love with the thrill of acting and the beauty of theater. I don't know how theater will take form in my life in the future, but I do know that  high school is not the last time you'll see me on that stage.

Mr. Ng,

You did more than make awfully corny jokes, you introduced me to the world of political activism, and always believed in me. Whether I become a lawyer, journalist, politician, or something I have yet to fathom, I will always question everything and push the boundaries for the answers I seek, so thank you.

Ms. Castro,

You wrote:

"There are few things about our educational system and society I grieve more over than the loss of so many of my high school peers to the kind of misunderstanding and bias that I and my friends experienced."

These words alone speak for themselves, and shows why your powerful essence is one only you can embody, and inspire others to aspire to. 



Ms. Leach,

Though our relationship has been short-lived, it has only begun, and is just the beginning of a beautiful friendship that marks the best kind; one in which we learn from and inspire each other. This reminded me of you:

"You are a part of all that you have met." 



And lastly, to the anonymous blogger who wrote Uncommon Regime,

Your words are bold and therefore criticized, but need to be said. Keep writing, so that people can become comfortable being uncomfortable, and so that your questions are answered. 

And now, I bid adieu, and leave with you what will be the  documentation of the  the next chapter of my life:

http://originalityovernormality.wordpress.com/

I remember the first post I wrote on this blog, a blog I had no idea what would become. In the beginning, I didn't write this blog for myself, because I didn't know what that meant. I didn't even know who I was. I would think about this sometimes, about what impact my words would have, or whether or not anyone read it. But now, four years later, I understand that this blog was meant for only me. It wasn't always written for me, but with other people in mind. And for a while, this almost made me ashamed.

Almost.

Now I think, I wouldn't change any word I've written here, especially the ones disagreed with. Because how else will dialogue begin if there's no disagreement, no uncomfortabity? I used to be so afraid of being out of my comfort zone, of thinking differently, of doubting the norm. And to an extent, I still am. But I welcome the fear, because it makes me feel alive. It makes me remember that nothing is ever what it seems. I have grown so much since the first post I wrote, and there was a time that it terrified me, because I didn't recognize myself. But then I realized that that's the beauty of growth. It's unexpected, and never happens the way you think it should.

I want to grow, better yet, I have a hunger for it. I want to change, develop, learn. Because the more I learn, the more I realize how oppressed we are, by ideas, ignorance, society. 

And the only way to free yourself this is to face it.

Write Until...

Today I told someone: I've been trying to write something, but I keep deleting it, because I haven't fully processed it. I can just stop time and think about it forever, so one post doesn't seem sufficient.

This person very eloquently said, "So don't just write one post, write until you write what you feel you have to write."

And suddenly, the pressure to write everything that I feel in a certain amount of sentences has dissolved. And just like that, I am inspired. I am inspired to write to my heart's content, the way I used to before anyone ever read anything I wrote, where I would fill entire journals with my thoughts and emotions in one sitting.

I've missed writing this way, because it feels as if those were my truest days; before I learned rhetoric, or fully understood my prowess as a writer.

And it's because of this that I have become obsessed with the idea of getting back to how I was. Now I understand how incorrect this mentality is, as I shouldn't be trying to get back to the past, but focus on who I am now, as a writer, an intellectual, and an individual.

And focusing on who I am now, I am proud and honored to be Saber of the Year, for it is now that I understand that this has been my best year.

I started senior year hell bent to make it better than the last, to make sure I began strong, kept my grades up, and chose the college of my dreams, which for years was Syracuse, but at the time looked more like an ominous cloud of ideas seven years in the making. 

I didn't know what my future held, but was determined to find out.

So I embarked on a journey, of self-discovery and enlightenment, in search of who I was, what I wanted to do with my life, where I would be in a few years' time.

I fell in love with the thrill of profound thinking, finally understood the difference between school and education, and began to doubt everything I had always taken for granted.

And as society and others told me that I began to know more and become smarter, as my GPA and grades rose, I found that I knew less and less. I was struck with all of these questions, about my identity, the meaning of life and truth.

Nothing seemed certain, and I began to doubt everything and everyone, even myself.

I was constantly questions like, "How can I become a politician without becoming a part of the problem?"

This year was the first time I have learned for myself, not just for the sake of it, and read because I wanted to, not because it was assigned.

And as I realized this, I asked myself, all of these years, is it possible that I have been obedient instead of educated?

I began to recognize my own biases, and understand that I will, to an extent, always be ignorant to something.

But even though this thought scared me, it doesn't anymore. And maybe it will at different times in my life, when I feel as if there's no hope, or I once again don't know what my future will hold.

The truth is, for my entire life, I seem to have had my future planned out completely, to the point where change was terrifying and avoided, even if was inevitable. But now I have no definite plans. As an almost high school graduate, who is soon to step onto the campus of Bay Path College, I no longer strive for the acquisition of specific goals, but for inspiration, for enlightenment, for open-mindedness.

I want to study law not to be a lawyer, but to understand the structure and language of laws that oppress and unite the public, so then change the fabric of laws in order to empower the public instead of chain them.

I want to learn languages such as Portuguese, Mandarin, French, and Italian, because someone once told me the only way to learn about other cultures and become ethnically and racially conscious is to immerse yourself into their languages, and because studying Spanish as a Latina has made me realize how individual, expansive, and beautiful a language can be.

I want to write a novel not only this summer, but at any time I want because of the books that have changed my life, books like The Bell Jar, Catcher in the Rye, The Awakening. The books that are almost haunting, but so enveloping that they can never be forgotten, and have inspired me to dream of the day my words live forever.

It used to anger me when people would tell me that they never saw me being the things I wanted to pursue; they never saw me as a politician, for example, not because they doubted my ability, but because they were afraid my essence and endless amount of dreams would be stifled.

Because I 'm a free sprit, a person who has never envisioned herself having one path, who has always thought that path should continuously evolve, but has attempted to fit into numerous of them for the sake of following the norm.

But now I understand I was never supposed to be just a writer, just a lawyer, or just a politician. I am an intellectual. I am an individual, meant to challenge the norms and change the world, in whichever way I see fit.

Because I, as well as my 28 other peers on the verge of independence and self-discovery, am destined for greatness.

Answer Me This

I am on the verge of embarking on another part of my life, as all of the seniors are, where we will be leaving UCHS. But the fact is, this school will always he a part of who we are, to the point where it's almost our responsibility to come back.

And it is our responsibility.
But not because we're asked to.
It's because we will be the first and most likely the only exposure students will have to the reality of college, and that is a problem. I've said this before. College to the students at UCHS  is an illusion, not real, and used as a tool of manipulation by teachers, but never fully explained.
It's because this idea of holding the hands of students and throwing them into situations isn't working.

Answer me this, how is getting students accostomed to remastery preparing them for college? For a place where knowledge is power, not a higher grade? We as are not faces of a cooperation, but students to a school, a school that seems to also serve as a  business institution instead of the sanctuary of  enlightenment it should be.

There's a difference between school and education.

And now that I'm asking questions, there's a few more that I have.

If the school is intent towards creating a better dynamic for students, why are professional development days made up of teachers and not the students who make the school? What change is going to be made if teachers sit amongst themselves and praise the policies they make without thinking of the students  they affect?

Why are well respected and evidently capable individuals given permanent substitute positions instead of the teaching and leadership jobs they deserve?

Why isn't our school finding any minority teachers who are "of quality?" What are you using a rubric that they don't score high enough on? What "of quality?"

Why is it that I was asked to helped to write a part of a graduation speech specifically about my classmates, one I'm not going to be reading? What you don't know us well enough they I have to step in?

The fact is, I'm afraid to leave. Not in fear of the unknown and my future, but for the state of this school, because I refuse to see things change, but see no real change occur.

These are children's futures we're talking about here.

It took me four years for me ask these questions, and now that I've started, there's no way I'm going to stop.

So answer me this: which question is going to be answered first?

College has never been real for me. It was almost like an illusion, something that I didn't ever fully understand.

The only thing that I did understand was that I was going to college.

The thing is, we were told about what was expected in college academically. We were surrounded by the names of these colleges we'd never heard of, and then asked to choose one that we could see ourselves at.

But there's still all of these questions I have, about it really feels to go to college.

I have all of these fears, that I  know other seniors feel.

Because my biggest fear is that I will be the only minority—no the only Latina from New York City—on campus.

My whole life I've been surrounded by people who, for the most part, look like me, live in similar neighborhoods as I do, are immersed in the same world and culture that I was born into.

Being around new people, people who aren't going to be from UCHS, or from the South Side of Williamsburg, that scares me.

Are they going to judge me? Am I going to feel out of place, or like shouldn't be there?

Are they going to ask me that dreaded question: What are you?


Am I going to lose myself: my ethnicity, my background, essentially who I am before I've even fully figured out what it all means?

I need to know, no, we all need to know, what it really feels like to go to college. Not this objective crap we've been force fed for years, but real stories, about how it feels to be homesick for the first time, how you figured out who you are on campus, what you liked, if you ever hit rock bottom.


And for all the people who have shared these experiences— Mr. Rosado, Ms. Goda, Mr. Baker, Ms. Scott, Ms. Moreno, Ms. Castro—I thank you.

Your stories are truly an inspiration, for all of us.

Here's to hoping that the truth continues to be shared.

Unfiltered

Here's me being honest, no filter.
I love Bay Path, but my decision to choose it as my college wasn't an easy one. The thing is, the hardest part of making it wasn't because of me and my doubt, it was because of other people telling me that another college would be a better fit. Because my hard work paid off, and my list of acceptances was impressive.
 Syracuse. Goucher College. CUNY Hunter. Mount Holyoke. The list goes on.

And once the acceptances started rolling in, teachers started prying. With congratulations came recommendations on which college I should choose.

And over and over again I heard colleges that weren't my number one school.

Because let me reiterate something I've said numerous time before. I love Bay Path. And I love the financial package they gave me too.

So the recommendations, they were taken, thought about. But at the end of the day, it was my decision.
Because it's my life, my future.

So before you teachers try and protest about how you feel and why you told me over and over that I should accept, say, Mount Holyoke's acceptance instead of Bay Path, let me tell you how I felt.

I felt like my privacy was being invaded. I felt like nobody cared about what I wanted. I felt like the only thing that was important was how reputable the name of the school I chose was. I felt like the face of a corperation or a business, like my decision and my future was being marketed like an advertisement on a train or the side of a bus.

I chose Bay Path, and I chose it over Syracuse and Mount Holyoke and Goucher and Pratt  because you know what? I wanted to. Because I've worked my ass off for eight years, and that gives me the right to choose for myself.
Not anyone else.
 Because don't you remember what it felt like when you're life was changing all at once, like you had to make the biggest decision of your life, and everyone had an opinion, but the only opinion that really matters in the end  was yours?

So what if Bay Path is only about 100 years old? This high school is only four years old. Are you saying someone should choose Stuyvesant over UCHS because of that?

I love my decision. And regardless of what happens, I will respect it. Because choosing it over a baby Ivy League? That's real courage. Following my heart instead of the skewed perception of success constructed by society?

That's real courage.

 It's not all about what will look better on your resume.

So on Senior Signing Day, I'm going to proudly take that stage and say, "My name is Michelle Soto, and next Fall I will be attending Bay Path College."

React how you want to that statement.

Last a Lifetime

I used to think I believed in people too much.

I've invested too much into the wrong relationships to the point where I'm the one getting hurt. But looking back, I know now that I wouldn't change anything I've done, just because I wouldn't necessary repeat them in the future. Making a mistake doesn't mean that you allow it to become a regret.

Say, for example I have someone really important to me that needs some motivation and I decide to call them up and give them a mini speech on the importance of investing in their education, using individual experiences as examples and words of wisdom.

The old me would've expected them to jump at the opportunity to take my advice, and anything else would have infuriated me. And every once in a while, I would think I should've never said anything.

But the thing is, I wish I didn't worry about caring too much about certain people. I wish I didn't think that I should've kept my mouth shut.

I can't control what people do with what I tell them, but I can control what I tell them, and how much I show that I'm only here to provide support.

Because the most important people in my life, the people that keep me honest and true, are the ones who aren't afraid to tell me when I'm off my game, or when they're worried about me.

And if there's one thing I've learned is that you should treat others the way you want to be treated.

I've met a lot of people in my life, but the most inspiring ones are the ones who let their words speak for themselves.  So I don't want to worry about caring too much in the future, In fact, I want to make sure the people I care about know that I care. Then, I can continue to forge those relationships that will last a lifetime.

And so it begins...and Ends

 I've never had any regrets. Well, that's a lie. I regret something once, and after I forgave myself I promised I'd never regret anything ever again.

But that doesn't mean I don't look back on my life sometimes and wish I did things a little differently. I reflect, constantly, and joke that my mind never stops because it's too busy analyzing everything, which is mentally exhausting.

So I've decided, as my last year of high school comes to a close, that I would dedicate some time to fully reflect on things I wish I did a little differently in these last few years. And as much as my list obsessive self wants to clump all of them into one post, I'm not going to. Because if I did so then I'd miss something, something that could hypothetically change everything.

And so the process of reflection begins.

How Bittersweet

Well, it's official, tomorrow is the last time I'll take an AP exam.
It's almost kind of sad, because it marks the end of an era for me. My high school career is ending, but with it, a new part of my life is beginning; the true beginning to my adulthood, my independence, my journey to self-discovery. Soon enough I'll be graduating from here, leaving my legacy, getting ready to stop onto my college campus.

Tomorrow, I take my last AP exam, and officially start to say goodbye.

How bittersweet.

This morning, I feel inspired. Actually, I'm more tired than inspired, but nevertheless I feel inspired enough to spend the hour and a half commute from Far Rockaway to write. Granted, it won't take nearly that long to do so, but the fact that I'm not dozing off on this shuttle bus has got to count for something.

I just realized something that I'm pretty sure I've realized many times before. The thing about realizations, however, is that they come in waves, which means my life has become full of the constant wave of self-discovery.

I'm about to graduate. Now this may not seem like news to anyone who reads this blog, but trust me, it is to me. Because even thouh I've spent the entire year preparing myself for next fall, it didn't feel real until now-until I committed to a college and watched all my friends do the same, or fully understood that college is going to be the first time where I will feel like a minority. People keep asking me to partake in these panel discussions about how it feels to be a founding member of a school, or the  tips I would give to people taking a college now class for the first time next fall, and I find myself reflecting about these past four years. It's a bittersweet experience, thinking about what I'm gonna leave behind but simultaneously gain as I embark on this next segment of my life. I've never felt so grown up, to the point where I almost can't remember how my life was before this point.
Almost.

The fact is, I'm going to say goodbye soon, which means leaving behind all the words of wisdom I've given. But the wonderful thing about being an Uncommoner, especially since I'm one of the first, is that I'll never really  officially have to say goodbye. These last four years-or these last eight years actually-will always be a part of who I am and where I'm from; all the good and the bad.

Leaving what might as well be my second home will not be easy,  but knowing that I can always come back, and that I've chosen a place that will undoubtedly become my new home next fall  and for the next four years makes it easier.

As for my legacy, also known as this blog, my words have kept it alive for four years, and soon it will be time to hand it down to someone whose words of wisdom and experiences will ensure that it stays alive. Luckily for me, I have found the perfect person to do so, someone who inspires me constantly, whose words must be shared.
And if you're wondering who this special person is, you'll just have to wait. My time on here may be almost over, but I can still leave you with a good cliffhanger.  

It's Wonderful Isn't It?

This college process has not been an easy one, and hasn't always been fun for me, which I'm pretty sure a lot of you know. But in the end, it becomes completely worth it when you find the perfect school for you, that school that you know in your heart you're going to attend.

It's been a long process. I mean, I remember when Syracuse University was the only school I saw myself in. Now look at me.

Tomorrow I'm going to commit to Bay Path College.

Who knew an award from a small women's college in Massachusetts would change my life? But the thing is, it wasn't just the award. It was the handwritten notes I received. It was that I can text admissions counselors any questions I have, that the teachers in my future legal studies classes are lawyers, attorneys, and judges who know their students by name. It was that first conversation with a freshman I had, and the last conversation I had with an alumni who not only empowers me to follow my dreams and her footsteps of becoming  a lawyer, but is so happy for me that she's  willing to help me in any way possible.

The fact is, I've found a school that truly makes me happy, which makes all the applications with five different parts, all the stress, all the arguments with people trying to tell me what school would be a better fit for me, all the nights spent on the phone with my best friend talking about how it feels as if  I'm growing up too fast, completely and utterly worth it.

And the wonderful thing is, I wouldn't change any of it, because whose to say that if I did I would be as happy with the decision I'm about to make as I am right now?

Maybe, Just Maybe...

In high school, you only see the parts of people they wish to reveal. Most of the time, people stay in the same groups, and once in a while you meet someone you wouldn't normally talk to and realize how monotonous your days are.

You can't wait to graduate but the thought of going away to college can become the scariest thing you've ever had to think about.

Relationships are fleeting, as the events of them fill the pages of your journal that you'll keep forever  for memories, and are the topic of every conversation, as you analyze every word said and message sent. Love is an almost foreign concept, as people would rather flirt than truly open up and get to know each other.

Relationships  and  friends are two separate things, and when they become intertwined, life gets complicated and the lines get blurred.

Everyone seems to want to be popular, even if they won't admit it, and as you fall for a guy, he's falling for a girl that society says is more beautiful, while she falls for someone who isn't him. 

And the cycle continues.

You yearn to truly find yourself in a place where it seems as if you have to turn off how you really feel to survive, and soon enough you get so caught up in the latest argument on Facebook or a twenty-five second conversation, that you forget about how much of your life you have yet to live.

Because in high school, every feeling you have is momentous, every  realization that occurs changes your life completely, and inspiration becomes an unexpected surprise.

I just wonder, how different high school would be if we could all figure ourselves out before then, but then again I wonder if anyone ever really figures themselves out. Maybe I wouldn't always be trying to understand myself, or what I want to do with my life. Maybe love wouldn't be so complicated  and the guy I like wouldn't be trying to fit in with an in-group that will never give him the time of day, while I'm trying to get his attention, in an attempt for him to really  see me. Maybe people wouldn't judge people based on things they obviously can't control, like the color of their skin, or their sexual orientation.

Or maybe pigs are gonna fly one day.

Losing my Mind and Brain Cells

The problem with television is that I use it to turn off all the noise in my head, but the shows that are on television today are such garbage  that anyone with a brain would have to think about how terrible it is that these even exist. 

For thirty minutes, I watched  Wicked Single, a show where these almost thirty year olds preach that age is just a number, while downing vodka and redbull and dancing on table tops, then waking up the next day with a hangover claiming to feel like "a hundred bucks."

I have no words.

Actually I do, several in fact. The fact that this show was made, so that  these people could act like idiots on television and are paid an exorbitant amount of money to do so, while all they do is perpetuate all the stereotypes of an entire city and population of people, is infuriating.

These people will probably make more money in one season of this show than I'll make in my entire life, even after I  get my degree, masters, and go to law school.

Does that make sense, seeing as education is the key to success?

What I want to know is, when are teachers and public defenders going to get paid more? When is television going to be something more than a way for advertisements to force feed us their rhetoric so when can buy more useless material?

This county's idea of success is skewed, and the garbage our society is littered with just perpetuates it further. 

I need to stop watching television, because I'll either  lose my mind marveling at this ridiculousness  or lose some brain cells from the trash that's promoted.