Let's Face it

It's taken me a while to discover that the only person making sure I don't succeed is me. That every time I tell myself that I'm not good at math, or anything else, I'm ensuring that it comes true, because I've made up my mind before I've given myself a chance.

But everyone does that. They tell themselves that they're good at some things and horrible at others, and they accept it. When they fail, they chalk it up to the excuse that it's not one of their strengths.

But who says its not?

Who says that I'm awful at math?

Last time I checked it was only me.

And maybe that's part of why it's so hard, because I've already told myself that it will be. All I'm doing is putting myself into a paradigm.

I don't want to be in that box anymore. I don't want to say I can't do well in precalc, because of the fact that I'm a writer, and writers and math don't go together.

Now I'm just restricting myself.

Because I'm not just a writer. I'm so much more than that.

Those Days When Life Seems "So High School"

I've never been able to understand the concept of not saying what you mean. Maybe it's because my parents have taught me to be direct, especially to the people you care about.

So it still boggles my mind when I seem to be surrounded by people who have to sugar coat what they're actually trying to say.

I mean, I've said this before. Mean what you say and say what you mean.

Because right now I feel like I'm the only one trying to be honest, trying to show that I care. But now it just looks I'm the person saying everything that everyone else thinks, but can't or won't say.

And I'm trying to be nice, by just giving advice, just being there.

Because I don't want to pry, or make it seem like the things I'm saying are solely based on how I felt when the same things happened to me.

I just want to be honest, because the worst feeling I've ever had is the feeling of knowing everyone knew something, but no one telling me.

But I guess I'm just supposed to keep my mouth shut and stay out of it, right?

The Pen in my Hand

Today someone told me: Do something because you're passionate about it, not for fame or money. Because fame and money disappear. But passion lasts forever.

And as I think about it, I realize that it's true.

I've loved to write ever since my handwriting became legible, and I got my hands on paper. I loved it before I discovered I wanted to be a journalist. Before I had a blog that people read, or before I had the burning desire to start a school newspaper.

But sometimes I forget that. I get caught up in high school and how fast my life seems o be going that I don't stop to remember why I try so hard. Why I stay up until one in the morning doing homework, why I stress myself out so much.

It's because I want to walk down the stage in a year and a half, in a cap and gown, diploma in my hand, knowing that I'm going to a school that I can spend four years of my life making what initially seemed like a childish dream of being a writer into reality.

And today I remembered that. The reason I write.

I don't write for people to read it. I write because it's the one thing in the world that no matter what happens, I love. The one thing I can't live without. The one thing that keeps me sane.

So it doesn't matter if I'm the only person to read my words, because it's not about that. It's about me never letting go of that pen, never giving up on the dream that I've had since the first person asked me what I want to be when I grow up.

And that's why I'll continue to pick myself up from my bootstraps when I fall , because I know that wherever my future leads, I'll have a pen in my hand.

That class called Leadership? I love it.

It gets overwhelming sometimes, thinking about all of the things that are thrown at you at life. Like high school graduation. And the SAT.

It makes you forget about everything else, except for all the stress that you have, and you have this dreadful feeling that you can't control anything in your life, that your future is flying by you so quickly that you can't do anything about it but watch.

But then you find something that's yours, something that you adore, and you forget about all those things that seem uncontrollable.

Because even though you can't help how you feel about someone, or how quickly your life seems to be passing by, you can control this one thing that you've made yours.

And that, to me, is what leadership is.

I can disregard everything else and think about how amazing it would be to have a newsroom for the newspaper, or how amazing it would be to actually have a newspaper, or meet some high school students from other schools that may have the same struggles I do.

Isn't that spectacular?

So I just want to say thank you, Mr. Baker, for giving me a breather from the roller coaster that I now call my life so I can actually pursue things that I love, and make them a reality.

And that class called leadership? I love it.

New Year Reflection Part 2: The Harsh Realization

Right after making a goal, usually after it's written down, or the first person hears about it, people have the tendency to get really motivated, or if you're like me, you have a montage of success in your mind. But after that initial burst of inspiration, you realize that you actually have to do something.

Which for some people, is a harsh reality.

Now I've always been more of a visionist, starting projects in the middle and abandoning it when I realize that planning needs to be done.

Let me not divulge how many half written books I have written.

But as I get older, and I spend more time in Leadership class, I understand how important action is.

Because anyone can ay their going to do something.

It's actually doing it that counts.

And that, I believe, is the reason so many people tell themselves that goals are useless, that New Years is just a day, that they're exactly the same person they were before.

Of course you are. Nobody changes in one day.

The fact is, a new year isn't about making goals.

That't the easy part.

It's about getting it done. It's about getting farther than the montage of success that rushes through your brian as excitement rushes through you.

It's about finishing that book that you figured out the ending to, but still has plot holes.

That is the harsh realization of the New Year.

New Year Reflection Part 1: Big Egos and distractions

It occurred to me today as I read a chapter of history from a textbook, that something is different on me when it comes to school.

And as I had this thought, I was suddenly brought back to middle school days. Days where I was notorious for good grades. And I asked myself, what's different mow?

Obviously, the work load is more, and the work is harder, but I was thinking about what was different with me.

And then I realized:

I have a bigger ego. Not just about writing, but about school. It used to be that I put in 150% effort in everything that I did, just because I felt I had to.

Now don't get me wrong. My new confidence has helped me realize that I love not fitting in, helped me determine who my friends are, and what my passion is, but it's also made me lazy.

And I think everyone can agree with that at some point in their lives.

But why? It isn't because I'm unaware of the time until graduation, or the level of difficulty of school.

And then, I realized, it's the distractions. The distractions of high school, love, friends, finding myself, and everything else that's happening in my life.

So no, I don't regret having a bigger ego, because I love knowing I have the potential to do anything and everything, but this year I need to figure out how to balance my outside world with what seems to be my entire life: school.

And if that means that I have to put in 150% effort into everything I do to get into the University of Rochester, that's how it has to be.