A Mirage isn't Reality

The other day I was talking with one of my closest friends , Kayla , & I was telling her about my experience at my first ever Pride Parade .

I finally got to see the support I never thought existed . The eccentric clothing , upbeat music , rainbow flags being proudly held over every one's head . It was so difficult to conceal all my emotions & tears , for all this had been new to me . I've never been in such a friendly , loving , & accepting environment . In the three hours that I was there , I can truly say that I wish it would've lasted forever . My life before this moment was full of pessimistic views & ideas ; it was engulfed in the belief that I wasn't loved for how I was made . But all that quickly changed .

Anyways , while talking to Kayla , it was clear that something I said had caught her attention because she began to clap immediately after . I said to her :

" I finally realized that the world isn't as bad as I thought it was .''

When she clapped after I said that , It really made me second guess my thoughts . Was I really making myself seem like a victim in a place so innocent as America ? Had I exaggerated my struggles & obstacles just to receive sympathy & empathy ? Or was I simply another teenager that completely disregarded the world & it's struggles , and tried to draw all the attention selfishly to myself ?


I felt horrible . Knowing that It seemed as though I looked at everyone so negatively ,  hurt me . But then again , my past shaped my future .


I was told that I needed medical & social attention immediately after I came out to my father . I have been told to kill myself on many occasions by other teenagers in the area for being gay . I've had to call 911 for being the victim of a hate crime . I've had people quote verses in the bible to me such as ,''If a man also lie with mankind , as he lieth with a woman , both of them have committed a abomination : they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them (leviticus 20:13) . I've had other students write on bathroom walls saying that I'm a ''faggot'' . I've faced ridicule by complete strangers & have felt distressed from hearing on the news of people that have been killed for being who they were . I've been called by strangers who blocked their numbers asking if I'd engage in sexual activities for money because apparently to them that's what gay people do .

So maybe it's not me . Maybe it's society that's made me see this mirage that was never there . Or is it there ? Is all this really my fault ?

 I love where I live . America : the land of opportunity . New York : the city that never sleeps . There's just apart of me that feels as though I should be glad that I live in a state that allows same-sex marriage for when I get married . I can't help but get upset at myself because I'm lucky that I'm in the position that I'm in . There's children starving in other countries . There's people out there that are in worse predicaments than I'm in . There's others fighting for their lives , yet I have the audacity to complain .

I'm honestly confused . One side of me believes that I don't have the right to put so much attention on my problems , but the other side of me believes that this is a issue beyond my life . This is a world-wide issue that can contribute a lot to the world we live in if fixed .

I'm really at a point in my life where I feel stuck . Stuck between these mirages , and reality .