Maybe, Just Maybe...

In high school, you only see the parts of people they wish to reveal. Most of the time, people stay in the same groups, and once in a while you meet someone you wouldn't normally talk to and realize how monotonous your days are.

You can't wait to graduate but the thought of going away to college can become the scariest thing you've ever had to think about.

Relationships are fleeting, as the events of them fill the pages of your journal that you'll keep forever  for memories, and are the topic of every conversation, as you analyze every word said and message sent. Love is an almost foreign concept, as people would rather flirt than truly open up and get to know each other.

Relationships  and  friends are two separate things, and when they become intertwined, life gets complicated and the lines get blurred.

Everyone seems to want to be popular, even if they won't admit it, and as you fall for a guy, he's falling for a girl that society says is more beautiful, while she falls for someone who isn't him. 

And the cycle continues.

You yearn to truly find yourself in a place where it seems as if you have to turn off how you really feel to survive, and soon enough you get so caught up in the latest argument on Facebook or a twenty-five second conversation, that you forget about how much of your life you have yet to live.

Because in high school, every feeling you have is momentous, every  realization that occurs changes your life completely, and inspiration becomes an unexpected surprise.

I just wonder, how different high school would be if we could all figure ourselves out before then, but then again I wonder if anyone ever really figures themselves out. Maybe I wouldn't always be trying to understand myself, or what I want to do with my life. Maybe love wouldn't be so complicated  and the guy I like wouldn't be trying to fit in with an in-group that will never give him the time of day, while I'm trying to get his attention, in an attempt for him to really  see me. Maybe people wouldn't judge people based on things they obviously can't control, like the color of their skin, or their sexual orientation.

Or maybe pigs are gonna fly one day.

Losing my Mind and Brain Cells

The problem with television is that I use it to turn off all the noise in my head, but the shows that are on television today are such garbage  that anyone with a brain would have to think about how terrible it is that these even exist. 

For thirty minutes, I watched  Wicked Single, a show where these almost thirty year olds preach that age is just a number, while downing vodka and redbull and dancing on table tops, then waking up the next day with a hangover claiming to feel like "a hundred bucks."

I have no words.

Actually I do, several in fact. The fact that this show was made, so that  these people could act like idiots on television and are paid an exorbitant amount of money to do so, while all they do is perpetuate all the stereotypes of an entire city and population of people, is infuriating.

These people will probably make more money in one season of this show than I'll make in my entire life, even after I  get my degree, masters, and go to law school.

Does that make sense, seeing as education is the key to success?

What I want to know is, when are teachers and public defenders going to get paid more? When is television going to be something more than a way for advertisements to force feed us their rhetoric so when can buy more useless material?

This county's idea of success is skewed, and the garbage our society is littered with just perpetuates it further. 

I need to stop watching television, because I'll either  lose my mind marveling at this ridiculousness  or lose some brain cells from the trash that's promoted. 

America the "Enlightened"

I was inspired by the everlasting words of Mr. Washington:

In a society that characterizes us by ethnicities and races
through the boxes we check on forms on a daily basis
even if we're from two, three, four different places

my identity is ambiguous. 

I've gotta choose one box, but in my mind, I see myself in three.
I'm a latina,
Puertorriqueña,
 una Americana,
but according to society, I can only choose one.
So I ask myself—where am I really from?
My ancestors came from the campos of Puerto Rico to the land of plentiful, of opportunity,
so my parents, their children
could live the American Dream.
To a land that promised Puerto Rico they came to provide prosperity, protection and peace--
only to oppress the people with their speech.

To a land that told the people:

"We bestow upon you the immunities and blessings of an enlightened nation."

Enlightened nation.

If you're so enlightened, why did you "save the people of Puerto Rico" from the grip of Spain,
only to colonize them again,
and attempt to erase their identities like they're some sort of sin?

We bestow upon you?

Let me tell you what this really means—
We bestow upon you our culture—deemed superior.

We bestow upon you a foreign language—meant to Americanize you.

We bestow upon you the right to elect your own governor, after decades  of forced colonization.

We bestow upon you the title:
El Estado Libre Asociado de Puerto Rico."
A common wealth.

An "unincorporated dependent territory."

So where does that leave me?

I'm cursed —with an ambiguous identity —forced
 to choose between where I'm from and where I was born,

left with the America's national anthem forever stuck in my mind.

but right now, it looks like I've just lost my pride in this country.

I remember when

Maybe I've been reading to much The Brief and Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao, but I remember when I was a sensitive and emotional sweetheart, almost as innocent as Snow White herself, all before I decided that growing up and becoming strong meant waiting to show how I felt for a right time that didn't exist. I miss that girl—someone who didn't replace her emotions with constant rationale and composure. Every once in a while, when  I get tired of conforming to social norms like making small talk and go back to hopelessly awkward self, or when I forget to internalize my emotions and just feel, I take a good hard look at the world I live in, and where I fit into it. I wonder about whether I've mistaken my intelligence for obedience,  whether my skewed ideas of success and happiness has resulted in my level of prejudice towards people I should've given myself the chance to really know before this year. I wonder why I continue to make these concrete plans that  I force myself into, when in fact I've always been a person whose plan continuously evolves. I wonder if I will ever exchange my love for government or the passion for giving the people that make this country a voice for a chair in the Senate.

I've become obsessed with finding who I am, but don't know where to start, because I don't know what ideas and parts of me are really mine or just the result of my conformity.

Inspire Me World

Inspiration always come unexpectedly for me. I didn't expect for the last common ground to inspire me to write spoken word of my own for the first time, or to finally analyze my ambiguous identity as a hispano-americana. I didn't expect to realize that I dream of being trilingual and learning sign language because there's an entire culture out there that I can't wait to learn about. I never expected to fall in love with acting or student government.
As graduation nears, I realize that there so many things I haven't experienced yet, so many cultures I haven't immersed in yet, so many books I have yet to read, so many classes I've never taken.
I have so many people to meet, so many things to fall in love with, so many novels to write, so much spoken poetry to  perform, so many epiphanies to have.
It's funny, I thought growing up would be much more dreadful than it actually is, but I can't stop smiling.