Answer Me This

I am on the verge of embarking on another part of my life, as all of the seniors are, where we will be leaving UCHS. But the fact is, this school will always he a part of who we are, to the point where it's almost our responsibility to come back.

And it is our responsibility.
But not because we're asked to.
It's because we will be the first and most likely the only exposure students will have to the reality of college, and that is a problem. I've said this before. College to the students at UCHS  is an illusion, not real, and used as a tool of manipulation by teachers, but never fully explained.
It's because this idea of holding the hands of students and throwing them into situations isn't working.

Answer me this, how is getting students accostomed to remastery preparing them for college? For a place where knowledge is power, not a higher grade? We as are not faces of a cooperation, but students to a school, a school that seems to also serve as a  business institution instead of the sanctuary of  enlightenment it should be.

There's a difference between school and education.

And now that I'm asking questions, there's a few more that I have.

If the school is intent towards creating a better dynamic for students, why are professional development days made up of teachers and not the students who make the school? What change is going to be made if teachers sit amongst themselves and praise the policies they make without thinking of the students  they affect?

Why are well respected and evidently capable individuals given permanent substitute positions instead of the teaching and leadership jobs they deserve?

Why isn't our school finding any minority teachers who are "of quality?" What are you using a rubric that they don't score high enough on? What "of quality?"

Why is it that I was asked to helped to write a part of a graduation speech specifically about my classmates, one I'm not going to be reading? What you don't know us well enough they I have to step in?

The fact is, I'm afraid to leave. Not in fear of the unknown and my future, but for the state of this school, because I refuse to see things change, but see no real change occur.

These are children's futures we're talking about here.

It took me four years for me ask these questions, and now that I've started, there's no way I'm going to stop.

So answer me this: which question is going to be answered first?

College has never been real for me. It was almost like an illusion, something that I didn't ever fully understand.

The only thing that I did understand was that I was going to college.

The thing is, we were told about what was expected in college academically. We were surrounded by the names of these colleges we'd never heard of, and then asked to choose one that we could see ourselves at.

But there's still all of these questions I have, about it really feels to go to college.

I have all of these fears, that I  know other seniors feel.

Because my biggest fear is that I will be the only minority—no the only Latina from New York City—on campus.

My whole life I've been surrounded by people who, for the most part, look like me, live in similar neighborhoods as I do, are immersed in the same world and culture that I was born into.

Being around new people, people who aren't going to be from UCHS, or from the South Side of Williamsburg, that scares me.

Are they going to judge me? Am I going to feel out of place, or like shouldn't be there?

Are they going to ask me that dreaded question: What are you?


Am I going to lose myself: my ethnicity, my background, essentially who I am before I've even fully figured out what it all means?

I need to know, no, we all need to know, what it really feels like to go to college. Not this objective crap we've been force fed for years, but real stories, about how it feels to be homesick for the first time, how you figured out who you are on campus, what you liked, if you ever hit rock bottom.


And for all the people who have shared these experiences— Mr. Rosado, Ms. Goda, Mr. Baker, Ms. Scott, Ms. Moreno, Ms. Castro—I thank you.

Your stories are truly an inspiration, for all of us.

Here's to hoping that the truth continues to be shared.

Unfiltered

Here's me being honest, no filter.
I love Bay Path, but my decision to choose it as my college wasn't an easy one. The thing is, the hardest part of making it wasn't because of me and my doubt, it was because of other people telling me that another college would be a better fit. Because my hard work paid off, and my list of acceptances was impressive.
 Syracuse. Goucher College. CUNY Hunter. Mount Holyoke. The list goes on.

And once the acceptances started rolling in, teachers started prying. With congratulations came recommendations on which college I should choose.

And over and over again I heard colleges that weren't my number one school.

Because let me reiterate something I've said numerous time before. I love Bay Path. And I love the financial package they gave me too.

So the recommendations, they were taken, thought about. But at the end of the day, it was my decision.
Because it's my life, my future.

So before you teachers try and protest about how you feel and why you told me over and over that I should accept, say, Mount Holyoke's acceptance instead of Bay Path, let me tell you how I felt.

I felt like my privacy was being invaded. I felt like nobody cared about what I wanted. I felt like the only thing that was important was how reputable the name of the school I chose was. I felt like the face of a corperation or a business, like my decision and my future was being marketed like an advertisement on a train or the side of a bus.

I chose Bay Path, and I chose it over Syracuse and Mount Holyoke and Goucher and Pratt  because you know what? I wanted to. Because I've worked my ass off for eight years, and that gives me the right to choose for myself.
Not anyone else.
 Because don't you remember what it felt like when you're life was changing all at once, like you had to make the biggest decision of your life, and everyone had an opinion, but the only opinion that really matters in the end  was yours?

So what if Bay Path is only about 100 years old? This high school is only four years old. Are you saying someone should choose Stuyvesant over UCHS because of that?

I love my decision. And regardless of what happens, I will respect it. Because choosing it over a baby Ivy League? That's real courage. Following my heart instead of the skewed perception of success constructed by society?

That's real courage.

 It's not all about what will look better on your resume.

So on Senior Signing Day, I'm going to proudly take that stage and say, "My name is Michelle Soto, and next Fall I will be attending Bay Path College."

React how you want to that statement.

Last a Lifetime

I used to think I believed in people too much.

I've invested too much into the wrong relationships to the point where I'm the one getting hurt. But looking back, I know now that I wouldn't change anything I've done, just because I wouldn't necessary repeat them in the future. Making a mistake doesn't mean that you allow it to become a regret.

Say, for example I have someone really important to me that needs some motivation and I decide to call them up and give them a mini speech on the importance of investing in their education, using individual experiences as examples and words of wisdom.

The old me would've expected them to jump at the opportunity to take my advice, and anything else would have infuriated me. And every once in a while, I would think I should've never said anything.

But the thing is, I wish I didn't worry about caring too much about certain people. I wish I didn't think that I should've kept my mouth shut.

I can't control what people do with what I tell them, but I can control what I tell them, and how much I show that I'm only here to provide support.

Because the most important people in my life, the people that keep me honest and true, are the ones who aren't afraid to tell me when I'm off my game, or when they're worried about me.

And if there's one thing I've learned is that you should treat others the way you want to be treated.

I've met a lot of people in my life, but the most inspiring ones are the ones who let their words speak for themselves.  So I don't want to worry about caring too much in the future, In fact, I want to make sure the people I care about know that I care. Then, I can continue to forge those relationships that will last a lifetime.

And so it begins...and Ends

 I've never had any regrets. Well, that's a lie. I regret something once, and after I forgave myself I promised I'd never regret anything ever again.

But that doesn't mean I don't look back on my life sometimes and wish I did things a little differently. I reflect, constantly, and joke that my mind never stops because it's too busy analyzing everything, which is mentally exhausting.

So I've decided, as my last year of high school comes to a close, that I would dedicate some time to fully reflect on things I wish I did a little differently in these last few years. And as much as my list obsessive self wants to clump all of them into one post, I'm not going to. Because if I did so then I'd miss something, something that could hypothetically change everything.

And so the process of reflection begins.

How Bittersweet

Well, it's official, tomorrow is the last time I'll take an AP exam.
It's almost kind of sad, because it marks the end of an era for me. My high school career is ending, but with it, a new part of my life is beginning; the true beginning to my adulthood, my independence, my journey to self-discovery. Soon enough I'll be graduating from here, leaving my legacy, getting ready to stop onto my college campus.

Tomorrow, I take my last AP exam, and officially start to say goodbye.

How bittersweet.