Friday, October 25, 2013

Revalations

I know I haven't been on in awhile , but it's because I've been through a lot in the month I've been gone .

First off , my brother turned 5 years old & is now in 1st grade! Definitely moments to celebrate , as I always wanted to be a big brother . It seems as though time is passing by so quickly , it's horrifying .To think that he's now in grade school ,when just the other day he was being born.


Also , my mother's new boyfriend moved in about 3 weeks ago & things aren't working out exactly how she planned them too . It's not that we don't get along , but that she now has set so many expectations that I just don't agree with . She's so infatuated with him , that she forgets that I still have to get used to another man being in our house . I'm confused myself , but it's not a subject I like to get into much .


Anyways , my mother went back to school , so now our schedule is kind of crowded . She'll be finishing college when I'm starting it , the irony. What I'm learning now is actually what she's learning now , so I help her a little now & then with her homework . Our relationship has been going downhill , but we cope with the stress . There's more important things we need to deal with.

I finally got a phone , in which to my surprise was bought by my father . I still have issues with him but at least he got me what I needed . I've slept over his house a couple of times since last year , but it was only to take care of my sister . I honestly don't like him still , but I do recognize that he is still my father & therefore we need to be civil .

Me & my grandfather don't talk anymore, like this time I think it's forever . Apparently in his opinion , I'm out to ruin the family . He constantly insults me , calling me a asshole & other insulting names that are inappropriate . I don't need negativity in my life , regardless of who it's from . So I don't talk to him , & hopefully never will again .

Another huge thing going on in my life currently is this school trip I have in about 3 weeks. Since I recently found out that we can chose who we want to room with , I've been contimplating & thinking  about who actually wouldn't mind sleeping in a room with me . I've realized that I doubt any guy would be willing or comfortable enough with me , so I've tried asking the school if I could sleep with the girls instead . I was told that I'd either be with the girls , or have my own room . Either way , as long as I'm not with any guys , I'm okay .


On a better note , I recently graduated from the after school program that I attend . I got a certificate yesterday , announcing my completion . I was told that I was chosen to continue the program , meaning that if I attend until January , I will offically be able to teach other teens about safe sex & get paid . It will eventually become my job .

So you see ? My life's a disaster at the moment . I'm dealing with all of this while trying to stay focused on school & myself .

So much has happened , I honestly stopped caring about so many things. I don't trust my family , & I'm perfectly fine with that . I feel like a adult at this point . I'm taking care of kids , working , in school , all things that people twice my age should be dealing with . I've realized that if I care about every single that goes on , I'm going to go crazy . I can't let eveything trip me up , & my way of dealing with that is just not caring anymore . Is that bad ? To be comfortable without having family I could depend on ? To trust my friends as if  they were family ? 

I hate creating a sob story , but it's called life . All I can do now is try my best to survive .

Thursday, September 19, 2013

Someone

School .

The first day of my 10th grade year was absurdly interesting . It was great to see all the familiar faces & finally get back to UCHS ! I was looking forward to beginning the new school year with new friendships & getting to know all the new staff . 

Of course , things don't work out the way one plans them too . 

Already on the first week of school I felt unwanted & less then . The freshman began to realize the person I really was , if you know what I mean . Their reactions were so immature & so hard to ignore . All I saw were faces , staring & laughing , as if I was some kind of freak show that no one has ever seen before .

To me , it got WORSE & that was a truth I didn't want to face .

. . .

However , things got better . The same guy that quoted the bible to me a year ago, telling me I was going to hell , was the same guy that came up to me , gave me a hand shake & asked me how I was doing a couple of days ago . No one instructed him to do so but his own conscience . While this may seem like nothing to many , to me it was practically everything . It reassured me that all my hard work & bravery was paying off . It informed me that my actions were clearly changing the people around .

Another guy that just a couple of months ago told my friend that he didn't believe God made me , was the same person that told me I was a great friend who gave exceptionally well advice .

I see it . I see what a great influence I've become to many people , guys in particular . Atlas maturity levels are gradually rising & society's realizing its ignorance .

I'm SOMEONE now , it's amazing .

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Enfin, je suis à la maison

I've always felt as though I was a outlier in this world of normalcy . 
No one to understand the reasoning for my actions or the development of my ways .




But yesterday , I found something . Something that practically changed my life for the better . 

I went to this program called Latino Youth in Action where they basically teach you about safe sex while also building beneficial relationships with future peers . Dedicated to teens , they provide counseling , HIV testing , food & much more for FREE . The program also is centered on gay rights and equality . It serves as a friendly environment for everyone and it's a really amazing way to meet amazing people . 

Continuing on , although I was nervous & hesitant to go , my eagerness to find a place for myself  took over my fears . Monday morning I woke up , dolled myself up , & met up with my friend Dashwan , the same person that introduced me to the program in the first place .

Once I was in the elevator to the building , my insides began to cave in . I found it unusual that I was so fearful of what was to come , yet so eager to get there . I walk through the doors & could feel the love in the air . The environment was like that of Heaven & the I could sense little angels nearby .

To my amusement , every teen guy I saw was feminine . They all had that spunky personality & walked as though they were modelling for a trade show . I found it hilarious , but also brave . I could never be so willing as they were ; not because I didn't want to , but because I felt like I couldn't .

After about three hours of getting to know everyone & sharing a couple of laughs , we traveled to a pier in Manhattan . This part is really hard to explain with words .

Everyone was either dancing , play fighting , or cursing someone out . It was some of the best moments in my life thus far & made me forget all negative thoughts , things , & people . While everyone was doing their own little thing , I went to the edge of the water , took out a penny , made a wish & threw it into the ocean .

It was the first instance of true happiness in my life . I didn't want to leave these group of people . Although I was extremely shy & barely knew everyone on a personal level , something about them made me feel safe .

Going home Monday evening definitely had me emotional . For ME , this was more then what It actually seemed . It was a part of my life that I didn't want gone , nor did I ever want to forget . I hope & pray that I make new friends at this program . It's the start of a new beginning that hopefully will never end .

Just think about it , how would you feel if you could be in a place where you could be yourself without judgement ? A place where everyone understood you because they all went through what you endured ?

I could now say that finally , I was home .


For more information on Latino Youth in Action , go on their website at http://lyia.hafnyc.org/  .


Thursday, August 1, 2013

Half Way There

Over a month has gone by since my first year of high school has ended , & I'm quickly shuffling my thoughts together as I come across sophomore year . Now that I've experienced several aspects of what it takes to be a successful student , I'm now beginning to think of the future in the present , rather then wait until the future becomes the present . I've learned that by thinking with the end in mind , one can be better prepared for what's soon to come .

In complete honesty , fear has once again made its way into me . Two of my favorite & trustworthy teachers have left this year , Ms.Mary Mitchell & Mr.Joseph Baker .

 Ms.Mitchell was my school's social worker . But more importantly , she was my friend . Whatever it was that I was going through , no matter how cramped her schedule looked , she always found time to check up on me . If it wasn't for her , I most likely would've gotten suspended for the first time . Now that she's no longer going to be with me , I'm a little worried that I won't have that relationship with any other adult figure . I now have to look within myself  , rather then confide in someone else .

Mr.Baker was more then just a 10th grade Spanish teacher . He was the only adult that I could tell everything to ; he understood everything I said because he had gone through similar situations. To not have that person that shared mutual understanding with me is going to be difficult . I now have to rely on the outside perspective of other students and staff . While they might know what I'm going through , they'll never understand it .

I realize that for the first time , I'm going to have to mend on my own . Although I know that I have many supporters & friends , I don't want to have to rely on them . At the end of the day , I must make a choice that I know will most likely benefit me .

I've noticed that there's been a lot of talk surrounding UCHS . How race & racial profiling plays into the atmosphere of the staff & school in general . Though I haven't dealt with this on a personal level , I completely understand & have witnessed the miscommunication between staff & students . This needs to change .

I hope that for my 2nd year being a high school student the relationship between teachers & students gets progressively better . I feel that if that was to occur , then the relationship between students would also benefit . If we all feel as though there's someone we can go to , there would be less we'd be having to express to each other , whether or not that's verbally or physically .

I'll go through the year with this motto in mind : Hope for the best & expect for the worst . I've realized that setting up expectations for society is a recipe for disaster . Not everyone is going to abide to what you want in life and frankly no one really cares but a handful of people . Realize & recognize who truly cares & matters .

By far the most important thing I believe I need to do is to be a inspiration . Obstacles are bound to stand in my way , negativity is bound to push me off track , but it's what I do after that that really matters . Strength & perseverance are going to bring out my true colors . I refuse to be pushed around like I always was , & I want to finally defend myself ! Others fighting my battles teach me nothing , & the one way I'll earn respect is if I prove that I deserve it .

I set high expectations for myself , simply because I want to be the best I know I can be . There's always room for improvement , and there's no way I can be perfect . But with a fierce demeanor & a constructive mind , I can achieve my goal of changing the world .

Friday, July 5, 2013

A Mirage isn't Reality

The other day I was talking with one of my closest friends , Kayla , & I was telling her about my experience at my first ever Pride Parade .

I finally got to see the support I never thought existed . The eccentric clothing , upbeat music , rainbow flags being proudly held over every one's head . It was so difficult to conceal all my emotions & tears , for all this had been new to me . I've never been in such a friendly , loving , & accepting environment . In the three hours that I was there , I can truly say that I wish it would've lasted forever . My life before this moment was full of pessimistic views & ideas ; it was engulfed in the belief that I wasn't loved for how I was made . But all that quickly changed .

Anyways , while talking to Kayla , it was clear that something I said had caught her attention because she began to clap immediately after . I said to her :

" I finally realized that the world isn't as bad as I thought it was .''

When she clapped after I said that , It really made me second guess my thoughts . Was I really making myself seem like a victim in a place so innocent as America ? Had I exaggerated my struggles & obstacles just to receive sympathy & empathy ? Or was I simply another teenager that completely disregarded the world & it's struggles , and tried to draw all the attention selfishly to myself ?


I felt horrible . Knowing that It seemed as though I looked at everyone so negatively ,  hurt me . But then again , my past shaped my future .


I was told that I needed medical & social attention immediately after I came out to my father . I have been told to kill myself on many occasions by other teenagers in the area for being gay . I've had to call 911 for being the victim of a hate crime . I've had people quote verses in the bible to me such as ,''If a man also lie with mankind , as he lieth with a woman , both of them have committed a abomination : they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them (leviticus 20:13) . I've had other students write on bathroom walls saying that I'm a ''faggot'' . I've faced ridicule by complete strangers & have felt distressed from hearing on the news of people that have been killed for being who they were . I've been called by strangers who blocked their numbers asking if I'd engage in sexual activities for money because apparently to them that's what gay people do .

So maybe it's not me . Maybe it's society that's made me see this mirage that was never there . Or is it there ? Is all this really my fault ?

 I love where I live . America : the land of opportunity . New York : the city that never sleeps . There's just apart of me that feels as though I should be glad that I live in a state that allows same-sex marriage for when I get married . I can't help but get upset at myself because I'm lucky that I'm in the position that I'm in . There's children starving in other countries . There's people out there that are in worse predicaments than I'm in . There's others fighting for their lives , yet I have the audacity to complain .

I'm honestly confused . One side of me believes that I don't have the right to put so much attention on my problems , but the other side of me believes that this is a issue beyond my life . This is a world-wide issue that can contribute a lot to the world we live in if fixed .

I'm really at a point in my life where I feel stuck . Stuck between these mirages , and reality .

Thursday, June 20, 2013

A Change ...

I have the honor and privilege to continue the legacy that Michelle Soto has put before me . I wish her the best in college and the rest of her life . She will surely go on to greatness in the near future. Now , to introduce you all of who I may be , I will inform you some of the characteristics I attain .

My full name is Manuel Ivan Rodriguez , but I go by Manny . I'm currently 15 years of age and have just graduated my freshman year of high school . My goal in life is simple : to change the world . 

We're often faced with the inevitable obstacles that the cycle of life is bound to bring to us . I have unfortunately been a victim of the ignorance of many individuals . Time after time have I been verbally , mentally , and emotionally abused just because I'm gay .

Believe me when I say that I'm fully aware of what high school brings to anyone's life . I know that it's that time where everyone's figuring themselves out , fitting in with the crowd , exchanging rude and mean comments to each other , etc . It's that time where teenagers become teenagers and we just naturally act out . However , never did I believe that it was ever okay . 

My dream is to one day , see a world where we really ARE all equal . Where we ALL have the same opportunities in life and aren't denied those opportunities for ANY reason . I'd also like to see a world where we aren't discriminated for those reasons . A world where society is accepting of  ideas and lifestyles that may be foreign to them in order to make the place we live a better place .

While this may seem virtually impossible , I'm fully devoted to it . Currently , I'm the only openly gay male in my high school . As challenging as it may sound , I honestly wouldn't want to change that for the world . I've grown to learn that different is good . With amazing teachers and students like Michelle , Uncommon Charter High School is one of the most accepting schools ever . 

In the one year that I've been in UCHS , I have made tremendous progress in life . I am a honor roll student , and have yet to build one bad relationship with my professors . I've received certificates and even a trophy to prove my integrity and dedication to my school ethic . I'm currently in the process of making a autobiography that I hope to one day publish . 

At home I am the older brother of three younger siblings . My little brother Ryan who is five , Jonathan who is three , and my sister who is one . I thank God for blessing me with such wonderful siblings . Having parents that did separate when I was only four , I have two amazing families that are both annoying and loving . I am a certified model and a devoted writer .

While I do want to express my life with you guys , I don't want to give off the impression that I'm some kind of perfect super human on a perfect road . In reality , I'm the farthest thing from it . For example , I care deeply about how other people perceive me . I don't have that " I don't care about what people think about me" kind of attitude . In my mindset , my entire vision relies on how others see me as . If people don't like me , how will my voice ever be heard  if they won't even bother to listen ? How can my dreams be achieved , if I have no one to support me ? 

In addition , the language in today's society , upsets me deeply . This idea of saying "nigga" to another African American makes me sick . Why do such a thing when it was used to degrade them ? I find it so sad and thoughtless that one would use such slang to call upon another man . Similarly , when someone says something like " No mon " , " Battymon "  , " That's so gay "or "fag" , it really bothers me . Because by saying those things , you're making it seem as if it's somehow bad to be gay . In my opinion , we've used such language for such a long time that it has made its way into our vocabulary and has become "normal" when in reality , it's wrong . Now one may not see these things as flaws , but another may see this as me being uptight or someone that takes life too seriously . I must admit , I do , as one would say , " play by the rules "  but it's only for the sake of having a good reputation while also living life to its full potential . 


At 15 years old , I've been told that I'm very mature and brave for my age . I've been told that I'm someone to revere and that I'm a exceptional leader . 


Ghandi once said " Be the change you wish to see in the world " and that's the motto I live up to . If I really want my dreams to come true , I will put my best foot forward to be that change to see them .

I'm exicted to share with you all my life , my thoughts , and my dreams . I hope that I really do impact peoples' lives and that you may see how dedicated I am to really making that change . I would also like any feedback and advice that you may have . At my age I'm still learning many things and for someone to contribute their thoughts would really be helpful . Thank you .

                                                                                                          Love , Manny ~

I bid adieu




 It hasn't hit me that I'm a graduate yet, not until today, because I have yet to say goodbye. But the truth is, I won't ever have to say goodbye, because UCHS has been a part of my identity for so long. But now it's time for me to realize that this is my time to see what else is out there for me, at Bay Path, in life. The next chapter of my life is not set in stone, In fact, far from it, and for once, that excites me. It thrills me to think of what will happen next. And with the next chapter of my life will come a new blog, that acts not as a fresh start, but a continuation of the documentation of my thoughts and words.
Before I hand down this legacy however, I have some words of wisdom and gratitude to the people who have inspired me.



        To my beloved Manny, the next keeper of this blog, you have always amazed me with your honesty and your bravery, and your grace. I am moved by your words, moved to tears, so much that you were the only person who could be the next writer that will decide what this blog will become. You are a beautiful person, inside and out, who will inspire just by being yourself.


         Señor Panadero,
No hay palabras suficientes a expresar tu efecto en mi. Eres una persona con un amor para la vida que nadie puede quitar. Esto es solo el comienzo de una amistad que va durar para muchos años despues de hoy. 


Ms. Goda, 
 Need I say more? Your name should be enough for people to understand how inspiring, moving, and loved you are. You changed my life.


Ms. Algozo,


Your words and presence has left a mark on me, and all the students, because when you speak, people listen. I can't wait to see what your new school you are opening brings, and wish you congratulations, for I am so proud. Expect that I keep in touch, a congratulatory dinner for the opening of your school that I know will change lives, and keep a slot open for my future child.


Ms. Rhollans,


The sweetest teacher I have ever met, I will never forget that story you told me about your sister, and will remember it when my dreams seem too far away to grasp.


Mr. Campbell,


You gave me my first dream role; Audrey from Little Shop, where I fell in love with the thrill of acting and the beauty of theater. I don't know how theater will take form in my life in the future, but I do know that  high school is not the last time you'll see me on that stage.


Mr. Ng,


You did more than make awfully corny jokes, you introduced me to the world of political activism, and always believed in me. Whether I become a lawyer, journalist, politician, or something I have yet to fathom, I will always question everything and push the boundaries for the answers I seek, so thank you.


Ms. Castro,
You wrote:


"There are few things about our educational system and society I grieve more over than the loss of so many of my high school peers to the kind of misunderstanding and bias that I and my friends experienced."

These words alone speak for themselves, and shows why your powerful essence is one only you can embody, and inspire others to aspire to. 



Ms. Leach,



Though our relationship has been short-lived, it has only begun, and is just the beginning of a beautiful friendship that marks the best kind; one in which we learn from and inspire each other. This reminded me of you:

"You are a part of all that you have met." 



And lastly, to the anonymous blogger who wrote Uncommon Regime,


Your words are bold and therefore criticized, but need to be said. Keep writing, so that people can become comfortable being uncomfortable, and so that your questions are answered. 


And now, I bid adieu, and leave with you what will be the  documentation of the  the next chapter of my life: