I remember when

Maybe I've been reading to much The Brief and Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao, but I remember when I was a sensitive and emotional sweetheart, almost as innocent as Snow White herself, all before I decided that growing up and becoming strong meant waiting to show how I felt for a right time that didn't exist. I miss that girl—someone who didn't replace her emotions with constant rationale and composure. Every once in a while, when  I get tired of conforming to social norms like making small talk and go back to hopelessly awkward self, or when I forget to internalize my emotions and just feel, I take a good hard look at the world I live in, and where I fit into it. I wonder about whether I've mistaken my intelligence for obedience,  whether my skewed ideas of success and happiness has resulted in my level of prejudice towards people I should've given myself the chance to really know before this year. I wonder why I continue to make these concrete plans that  I force myself into, when in fact I've always been a person whose plan continuously evolves. I wonder if I will ever exchange my love for government or the passion for giving the people that make this country a voice for a chair in the Senate.

I've become obsessed with finding who I am, but don't know where to start, because I don't know what ideas and parts of me are really mine or just the result of my conformity.