The Big Question

Teenagers have the tendency to forget about everything in the world but themselves, and I've always asked myself, why?
Are they being selfish?
I can't lie. That's partly it.
But I just realized something. It's not only the fact that teenagers are being completely self absorbed.
It's the fact that it seems like are 100 things going on in your life all of the time.
I mean, you're falling in love, finding yourself, realizing who your true friends are, arguing with your parents about whether what you actually feel for this guy is love, and then possibly even getting your heart broken, even though you're still trying to figure out if you were in love. Meanwhile, your grades seem to be fluctuating more than the stocks on Wall Street, and colleges are sending you mail daily, leaving you with a permanent headeache of all the things you must be doing wrong.
And through all of this, you're asking yourself,
What the hell is going on?
In the blink of an eye, your life feels like a show, flashing before you, escaping through your fingers and you think, these college emails are right;
time is ticking.
So the big question is, what are you supposed to do about this stress inducing chaos that is now your life? How do you balance all these things; love, friends, family, school, college, even yourself, all of which seemed to appear at the same time?

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What do we do?

There seems to be a common theme to all of my recent posts, and it's been college. All
i can say is, that's the thought in my mind that hasn't disappeared since the beginning of junior year.
I mean it's been on the minds of all the juniors.
Like I've mentioned before, the time is ticking.
And that's exactly how it feels. Like a huge clock ticking in our heard constantly.
The concept of college excites me and terrifies me at the same time.
I'm excited to go and be on my own, to meet new people from different places and just talk to them. I'm excited to write about my life in college.
But then again, college looms over me and stresses me out, just like it does to the rest of the juniors.
Where am I going to be in a year and a half?
that question drives me insane, especially when I feel like junior year is the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life.
I mean, AP Bio? Who would think cells would be so complicated?
And English, the class I've always prided myself in, is the one where I have to read the most dense book I've ever encountered, where it takes me to 2 hours to read ten pages.
And once again, I'm not the only person feeling like this. Just have a conversation with any other junior in UCHS.
So I ask myself, what do we do?

How do we get past this? Because no matter what happens, the clock continues to tick.

The Clock is Ticking

The college process was always real to me, ever since I walked into the doors of WCCS and shook Ms. Kennedy's hand for the first time.
But now, as the years are passing, as time is ticking, the concept of college has gotten even more real.
As I thought about the last trip we recently had, I kept wondering, if college has always been on my mind, what makes this trip so different? Because in all honesty, those three days changed something in me, made me see my life differently. Made me discover what it is I want from college.
So I asked myself, what was different? Was it the different schools, the time?
As I looked back on the trip, though, I realized it wasn't any of these things.
It was the moments.
The moments that I had these epiphanies, about me and what I really want.
Like listening to my tour guide from The University of Rochester tell me, "This school isn't looking for well rounded people who seem to be good at everything. They want someone who has a passion for one specific thing."
Or being in an info session at RIT and hearing about its career focused curriculum, and writing seven words on my paper:

I don't want a school like this.

Or sitting on the floor in a room at Osewgo, talking to Journalists who started their own magazine, and thinking:
I want to do this.
These small moments are what made me realize, once again, just how close I am to going to college.
And it made me wonder:
Will I create my own major?
Will I start my own magazine?

What mark will I make in about a year and a half?

Because the reality is that I'll be in college in about a year and a half.

Whether or not it will be University of Rochester, or Syracuse, or University of Pennsylvania, I don't know.

All I know is that the clock is ticking.

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The Reality Is

Wow this is real.
Those words stuck with me as Mr. Baker stood at the front of the room, showing is pictures of the junior college trip.
"This trip isn't for fun," he said.
And he's right.
The words this is junior year ring in my ear constantly, especially during checkpoints when I'm staring at my grades and I have realized that I have failed two classes tor the first quarter.
Because that's the reality.
Thinking about that, its easy to let the stress consume you completely.
I mean, is a 69 really what a college like Syracuse is looking for?
Of course not.
But even though I really want to break down right now, I refuse to.
Becuase at the end of the day, I just need to ask myself,
What do I need to do?
What do I need to change?
Because the first quarter is done and over. So why look back wishing things could be changed, when its much better to say :Regrets? I have none.
One thing that I've realized this year is that success is all about knowing what works for you.
So instead of being hard on myself for the things I can't change, I'm going take a real look at myself. At where I want to spend four years of my life and what that means, at what my strengths and weaknesses as both a student and person are.

I'm pretty sure that's what all the juniors have to do.

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Worth fighting for

There's an urge that I get- almost a hunger- and I can't help but pick up a pen and write.
As I sat in the cafetorium, staring at this beautiful boy that I never met, and unfortunately won't get a chance to, that urge washed over me.
I couldn't believe that someone so young and full of life could think taking it away was the answer.
And as I listened to his story, I was overcome with a wish.
A wish that I could know him. A wish that I could have watched one of his videos before he was gone. A wish to tell him that he wasn't alone.

That I was listening.

That even though I didn't fully understand his pain and struggles, I do know what it feels like to think that your words are echoing through the air without anyone hearing them.
And now that I'm too late, all I can do is make sure I don't forget him- Jamey Rodemeyer, a fourteen year old boy with a love for Lady Gaga, and a beautiful soul, writing and speaking beautiful words, just wanting to be heard.
It hurts knowing Jamey isn't the only one who has been lost to ignorance and hatred. And as we get older, and society changes, there are still people who contribute to taking the lives of people like Jamey. People with their whole lives ahead of them. People who love, laugh, and cry, just like all of us.
It baffled me that there are some individuals who still don't understand that.
That deep down, we all have insecurities. We all have dreams.

We are all human.

Learning about Jamey, I have realized that I don't want to be late for someone else.

I don't want there to be someone else.

And even though I'm only one person, I know that my words are powerful enough to help someone see that they are beautiful, that they do matter.

And that alone is worth fighting for.

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First two weeks

Organization is not my strong suit. I think everyone can agree on that. I just think its much easier for me to stuff everything into a folder and call it a day. Organizing binders? Too much work. It's much easier to have one place to put everything for me. Besides, I honestly believe that I need a daily dose of stress in my life to function. It runs in my family.
The only problem now, though, is that its affecting my grade. So that zero I got for my empty binder for Spanish is one of the reasons I have a 60 in collegiate prep.
Now, my initial reaction would be to rant about the injustice of my grade.
But that was what sophomore Michelle would have done.
Junior Michelle is much more insightful and mature.
Truththfully, I do understand the importance of organization, and I know that the explosion that is called my homework folder, isn't helping me at all.
I am grateful for a class that will help me with all the small things in college that can't be learned from a textbook.
It just isn't going to be easy for me.
Undoing habits never is easy.
That doesn't mean it isn't possible.
So even though I would rather keep my mountain of papers in that same folder, I will try to be organized in the spirit of junior year and trying new things.

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Junior year

Being a junior is tremendous work.
From the first day, we were greeted by these bright eyed teachers preaching about leadership and the importance of this year. By the second day, we were learning new material, and getting ready for what lay ahead of us.
What lays ahead of us, you ask?
AP exams, regrets, the SATs, internships,
College.
All these deadlines are enough to give you a migraine right?
What I've realized over these past few days, however, is that there's so much more to junior year than deadlines.
At first glance, the year seems to be this enormous year full of decisions.
Decisions like, what college do I want to go to, or what career can I really see myself in?
Now this is true. These things are part of the chaos that is junior year.
But junior year is also about growth. Growth as a person, and as a student. It's about looking at yourself in the mirror, and picturing where you'll be in ten years, and asking yourself, I mean REALLY asking yourself,
Am I on the right track?
It's about being honest and facing reality, because college is no longer this distant dream.
It's the future.

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