A Mirage isn't Reality

The other day I was talking with one of my closest friends , Kayla , & I was telling her about my experience at my first ever Pride Parade .

I finally got to see the support I never thought existed . The eccentric clothing , upbeat music , rainbow flags being proudly held over every one's head . It was so difficult to conceal all my emotions & tears , for all this had been new to me . I've never been in such a friendly , loving , & accepting environment . In the three hours that I was there , I can truly say that I wish it would've lasted forever . My life before this moment was full of pessimistic views & ideas ; it was engulfed in the belief that I wasn't loved for how I was made . But all that quickly changed .

Anyways , while talking to Kayla , it was clear that something I said had caught her attention because she began to clap immediately after . I said to her :

" I finally realized that the world isn't as bad as I thought it was .''

When she clapped after I said that , It really made me second guess my thoughts . Was I really making myself seem like a victim in a place so innocent as America ? Had I exaggerated my struggles & obstacles just to receive sympathy & empathy ? Or was I simply another teenager that completely disregarded the world & it's struggles , and tried to draw all the attention selfishly to myself ?


I felt horrible . Knowing that It seemed as though I looked at everyone so negatively ,  hurt me . But then again , my past shaped my future .


I was told that I needed medical & social attention immediately after I came out to my father . I have been told to kill myself on many occasions by other teenagers in the area for being gay . I've had to call 911 for being the victim of a hate crime . I've had people quote verses in the bible to me such as ,''If a man also lie with mankind , as he lieth with a woman , both of them have committed a abomination : they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them (leviticus 20:13) . I've had other students write on bathroom walls saying that I'm a ''faggot'' . I've faced ridicule by complete strangers & have felt distressed from hearing on the news of people that have been killed for being who they were . I've been called by strangers who blocked their numbers asking if I'd engage in sexual activities for money because apparently to them that's what gay people do .

So maybe it's not me . Maybe it's society that's made me see this mirage that was never there . Or is it there ? Is all this really my fault ?

 I love where I live . America : the land of opportunity . New York : the city that never sleeps . There's just apart of me that feels as though I should be glad that I live in a state that allows same-sex marriage for when I get married . I can't help but get upset at myself because I'm lucky that I'm in the position that I'm in . There's children starving in other countries . There's people out there that are in worse predicaments than I'm in . There's others fighting for their lives , yet I have the audacity to complain .

I'm honestly confused . One side of me believes that I don't have the right to put so much attention on my problems , but the other side of me believes that this is a issue beyond my life . This is a world-wide issue that can contribute a lot to the world we live in if fixed .

I'm really at a point in my life where I feel stuck . Stuck between these mirages , and reality .

A Change ...

I have the honor and privilege to continue the legacy that Michelle Soto has put before me . I wish her the best in college and the rest of her life . She will surely go on to greatness in the near future. Now , to introduce you all of who I may be , I will inform you some of the characteristics I attain .

My full name is Manuel Ivan Rodriguez , but I go by Manny . I'm currently 15 years of age and have just graduated my freshman year of high school . My goal in life is simple : to change the world . 

We're often faced with the inevitable obstacles that the cycle of life is bound to bring to us . I have unfortunately been a victim of the ignorance of many individuals . Time after time have I been verbally , mentally , and emotionally abused just because I'm gay .

Believe me when I say that I'm fully aware of what high school brings to anyone's life . I know that it's that time where everyone's figuring themselves out , fitting in with the crowd , exchanging rude and mean comments to each other , etc . It's that time where teenagers become teenagers and we just naturally act out . However , never did I believe that it was ever okay . 

My dream is to one day , see a world where we really ARE all equal . Where we ALL have the same opportunities in life and aren't denied those opportunities for ANY reason . I'd also like to see a world where we aren't discriminated for those reasons . A world where society is accepting of  ideas and lifestyles that may be foreign to them in order to make the place we live a better place .

While this may seem virtually impossible , I'm fully devoted to it . Currently , I'm the only openly gay male in my high school . As challenging as it may sound , I honestly wouldn't want to change that for the world . I've grown to learn that different is good . With amazing teachers and students like Michelle , Uncommon Charter High School is one of the most accepting schools ever . 

In the one year that I've been in UCHS , I have made tremendous progress in life . I am a honor roll student , and have yet to build one bad relationship with my professors . I've received certificates and even a trophy to prove my integrity and dedication to my school ethic . I'm currently in the process of making a autobiography that I hope to one day publish . 

At home I am the older brother of three younger siblings . My little brother Ryan who is five , Jonathan who is three , and my sister who is one . I thank God for blessing me with such wonderful siblings . Having parents that did separate when I was only four , I have two amazing families that are both annoying and loving . I am a certified model and a devoted writer .

While I do want to express my life with you guys , I don't want to give off the impression that I'm some kind of perfect super human on a perfect road . In reality , I'm the farthest thing from it . For example , I care deeply about how other people perceive me . I don't have that " I don't care about what people think about me" kind of attitude . In my mindset , my entire vision relies on how others see me as . If people don't like me , how will my voice ever be heard  if they won't even bother to listen ? How can my dreams be achieved , if I have no one to support me ? 

In addition , the language in today's society , upsets me deeply . This idea of saying "nigga" to another African American makes me sick . Why do such a thing when it was used to degrade them ? I find it so sad and thoughtless that one would use such slang to call upon another man . Similarly , when someone says something like " No mon " , " Battymon "  , " That's so gay "or "fag" , it really bothers me . Because by saying those things , you're making it seem as if it's somehow bad to be gay . In my opinion , we've used such language for such a long time that it has made its way into our vocabulary and has become "normal" when in reality , it's wrong . Now one may not see these things as flaws , but another may see this as me being uptight or someone that takes life too seriously . I must admit , I do , as one would say , " play by the rules "  but it's only for the sake of having a good reputation while also living life to its full potential . 

At 15 years old , I've been told that I'm very mature and brave for my age . I've been told that I'm someone to revere and that I'm a exceptional leader . 

Ghandi once said " Be the change you wish to see in the world " and that's the motto I live up to . If I really want my dreams to come true , I will put my best foot forward to be that change to see them .

I'm exicted to share with you all my life , my thoughts , and my dreams . I hope that I really do impact peoples' lives and that you may see how dedicated I am to really making that change . I would also like any feedback and advice that you may have . At my age I'm still learning many things and for someone to contribute their thoughts would really be helpful . Thank you .

                                                                                                          Love , Manny ~

I bid adieu

 It hasn't hit me that I'm a graduate yet, not until today, because I have yet to say goodbye. But the truth is, I won't ever have to say goodbye, because UCHS has been a part of my identity for so long. But now it's time for me to realize that this is my time to see what else is out there for me, at Bay Path, in life. The next chapter of my life is not set in stone, In fact, far from it, and for once, that excites me. It thrills me to think of what will happen next. And with the next chapter of my life will come a new blog, that acts not as a fresh start, but a continuation of the documentation of my thoughts and words.
Before I hand down this legacy however, I have some words of wisdom and gratitude to the people who have inspired me.

        To my beloved Manny, the next keeper of this blog, you have always amazed me with your honesty and your bravery, and your grace. I am moved by your words, moved to tears, so much that you were the only person who could be the next writer that will decide what this blog will become. You are a beautiful person, inside and out, who will inspire just by being yourself.

         Señor Panadero,

No hay palabras suficientes a expresar tu efecto en mi. Eres una persona con un amor para la vida que nadie puede quitar. Esto es solo el comienzo de una amistad que va durar para muchos años despues de hoy. 

Ms. Goda, 

 Need I say more? Your name should be enough for people to understand how inspiring, moving, and loved you are. You changed my life.


Ms. Algozo,

Your words and presence has left a mark on me, and all the students, because when you speak, people listen. I can't wait to see what your new school you are opening brings, and wish you congratulations, for I am so proud. Expect that I keep in touch, a congratulatory dinner for the opening of your school that I know will change lives, and keep a slot open for my future child.

Ms. Rhollans,

The sweetest teacher I have ever met, I will never forget that story you told me about your sister, and will remember it when my dreams seem too far away to grasp.

Mr. Campbell,

You gave me my first dream role; Audrey from Little Shop, where I fell in love with the thrill of acting and the beauty of theater. I don't know how theater will take form in my life in the future, but I do know that  high school is not the last time you'll see me on that stage.

Mr. Ng,

You did more than make awfully corny jokes, you introduced me to the world of political activism, and always believed in me. Whether I become a lawyer, journalist, politician, or something I have yet to fathom, I will always question everything and push the boundaries for the answers I seek, so thank you.

Ms. Castro,

You wrote:

"There are few things about our educational system and society I grieve more over than the loss of so many of my high school peers to the kind of misunderstanding and bias that I and my friends experienced."

These words alone speak for themselves, and shows why your powerful essence is one only you can embody, and inspire others to aspire to. 



Ms. Leach,

Though our relationship has been short-lived, it has only begun, and is just the beginning of a beautiful friendship that marks the best kind; one in which we learn from and inspire each other. This reminded me of you:

"You are a part of all that you have met." 



And lastly, to the anonymous blogger who wrote Uncommon Regime,

Your words are bold and therefore criticized, but need to be said. Keep writing, so that people can become comfortable being uncomfortable, and so that your questions are answered. 

And now, I bid adieu, and leave with you what will be the  documentation of the  the next chapter of my life:

http://originalityovernormality.wordpress.com/

I remember the first post I wrote on this blog, a blog I had no idea what would become. In the beginning, I didn't write this blog for myself, because I didn't know what that meant. I didn't even know who I was. I would think about this sometimes, about what impact my words would have, or whether or not anyone read it. But now, four years later, I understand that this blog was meant for only me. It wasn't always written for me, but with other people in mind. And for a while, this almost made me ashamed.

Almost.

Now I think, I wouldn't change any word I've written here, especially the ones disagreed with. Because how else will dialogue begin if there's no disagreement, no uncomfortabity? I used to be so afraid of being out of my comfort zone, of thinking differently, of doubting the norm. And to an extent, I still am. But I welcome the fear, because it makes me feel alive. It makes me remember that nothing is ever what it seems. I have grown so much since the first post I wrote, and there was a time that it terrified me, because I didn't recognize myself. But then I realized that that's the beauty of growth. It's unexpected, and never happens the way you think it should.

I want to grow, better yet, I have a hunger for it. I want to change, develop, learn. Because the more I learn, the more I realize how oppressed we are, by ideas, ignorance, society. 

And the only way to free yourself this is to face it.

Write Until...

Today I told someone: I've been trying to write something, but I keep deleting it, because I haven't fully processed it. I can just stop time and think about it forever, so one post doesn't seem sufficient.

This person very eloquently said, "So don't just write one post, write until you write what you feel you have to write."

And suddenly, the pressure to write everything that I feel in a certain amount of sentences has dissolved. And just like that, I am inspired. I am inspired to write to my heart's content, the way I used to before anyone ever read anything I wrote, where I would fill entire journals with my thoughts and emotions in one sitting.

I've missed writing this way, because it feels as if those were my truest days; before I learned rhetoric, or fully understood my prowess as a writer.

And it's because of this that I have become obsessed with the idea of getting back to how I was. Now I understand how incorrect this mentality is, as I shouldn't be trying to get back to the past, but focus on who I am now, as a writer, an intellectual, and an individual.

And focusing on who I am now, I am proud and honored to be Saber of the Year, for it is now that I understand that this has been my best year.

I started senior year hell bent to make it better than the last, to make sure I began strong, kept my grades up, and chose the college of my dreams, which for years was Syracuse, but at the time looked more like an ominous cloud of ideas seven years in the making. 

I didn't know what my future held, but was determined to find out.

So I embarked on a journey, of self-discovery and enlightenment, in search of who I was, what I wanted to do with my life, where I would be in a few years' time.

I fell in love with the thrill of profound thinking, finally understood the difference between school and education, and began to doubt everything I had always taken for granted.

And as society and others told me that I began to know more and become smarter, as my GPA and grades rose, I found that I knew less and less. I was struck with all of these questions, about my identity, the meaning of life and truth.

Nothing seemed certain, and I began to doubt everything and everyone, even myself.

I was constantly questions like, "How can I become a politician without becoming a part of the problem?"

This year was the first time I have learned for myself, not just for the sake of it, and read because I wanted to, not because it was assigned.

And as I realized this, I asked myself, all of these years, is it possible that I have been obedient instead of educated?

I began to recognize my own biases, and understand that I will, to an extent, always be ignorant to something.

But even though this thought scared me, it doesn't anymore. And maybe it will at different times in my life, when I feel as if there's no hope, or I once again don't know what my future will hold.

The truth is, for my entire life, I seem to have had my future planned out completely, to the point where change was terrifying and avoided, even if was inevitable. But now I have no definite plans. As an almost high school graduate, who is soon to step onto the campus of Bay Path College, I no longer strive for the acquisition of specific goals, but for inspiration, for enlightenment, for open-mindedness.

I want to study law not to be a lawyer, but to understand the structure and language of laws that oppress and unite the public, so then change the fabric of laws in order to empower the public instead of chain them.

I want to learn languages such as Portuguese, Mandarin, French, and Italian, because someone once told me the only way to learn about other cultures and become ethnically and racially conscious is to immerse yourself into their languages, and because studying Spanish as a Latina has made me realize how individual, expansive, and beautiful a language can be.

I want to write a novel not only this summer, but at any time I want because of the books that have changed my life, books like The Bell Jar, Catcher in the Rye, The Awakening. The books that are almost haunting, but so enveloping that they can never be forgotten, and have inspired me to dream of the day my words live forever.

It used to anger me when people would tell me that they never saw me being the things I wanted to pursue; they never saw me as a politician, for example, not because they doubted my ability, but because they were afraid my essence and endless amount of dreams would be stifled.

Because I 'm a free sprit, a person who has never envisioned herself having one path, who has always thought that path should continuously evolve, but has attempted to fit into numerous of them for the sake of following the norm.

But now I understand I was never supposed to be just a writer, just a lawyer, or just a politician. I am an intellectual. I am an individual, meant to challenge the norms and change the world, in whichever way I see fit.

Because I, as well as my 28 other peers on the verge of independence and self-discovery, am destined for greatness.

Answer Me This

I am on the verge of embarking on another part of my life, as all of the seniors are, where we will be leaving UCHS. But the fact is, this school will always he a part of who we are, to the point where it's almost our responsibility to come back.

And it is our responsibility.
But not because we're asked to.
It's because we will be the first and most likely the only exposure students will have to the reality of college, and that is a problem. I've said this before. College to the students at UCHS  is an illusion, not real, and used as a tool of manipulation by teachers, but never fully explained.
It's because this idea of holding the hands of students and throwing them into situations isn't working.

Answer me this, how is getting students accostomed to remastery preparing them for college? For a place where knowledge is power, not a higher grade? We as are not faces of a cooperation, but students to a school, a school that seems to also serve as a  business institution instead of the sanctuary of  enlightenment it should be.

There's a difference between school and education.

And now that I'm asking questions, there's a few more that I have.

If the school is intent towards creating a better dynamic for students, why are professional development days made up of teachers and not the students who make the school? What change is going to be made if teachers sit amongst themselves and praise the policies they make without thinking of the students  they affect?

Why are well respected and evidently capable individuals given permanent substitute positions instead of the teaching and leadership jobs they deserve?

Why isn't our school finding any minority teachers who are "of quality?" What are you using a rubric that they don't score high enough on? What "of quality?"

Why is it that I was asked to helped to write a part of a graduation speech specifically about my classmates, one I'm not going to be reading? What you don't know us well enough they I have to step in?

The fact is, I'm afraid to leave. Not in fear of the unknown and my future, but for the state of this school, because I refuse to see things change, but see no real change occur.

These are children's futures we're talking about here.

It took me four years for me ask these questions, and now that I've started, there's no way I'm going to stop.

So answer me this: which question is going to be answered first?

College has never been real for me. It was almost like an illusion, something that I didn't ever fully understand.

The only thing that I did understand was that I was going to college.

The thing is, we were told about what was expected in college academically. We were surrounded by the names of these colleges we'd never heard of, and then asked to choose one that we could see ourselves at.

But there's still all of these questions I have, about it really feels to go to college.

I have all of these fears, that I  know other seniors feel.

Because my biggest fear is that I will be the only minority—no the only Latina from New York City—on campus.

My whole life I've been surrounded by people who, for the most part, look like me, live in similar neighborhoods as I do, are immersed in the same world and culture that I was born into.

Being around new people, people who aren't going to be from UCHS, or from the South Side of Williamsburg, that scares me.

Are they going to judge me? Am I going to feel out of place, or like shouldn't be there?

Are they going to ask me that dreaded question: What are you?


Am I going to lose myself: my ethnicity, my background, essentially who I am before I've even fully figured out what it all means?

I need to know, no, we all need to know, what it really feels like to go to college. Not this objective crap we've been force fed for years, but real stories, about how it feels to be homesick for the first time, how you figured out who you are on campus, what you liked, if you ever hit rock bottom.


And for all the people who have shared these experiences— Mr. Rosado, Ms. Goda, Mr. Baker, Ms. Scott, Ms. Moreno, Ms. Castro—I thank you.

Your stories are truly an inspiration, for all of us.

Here's to hoping that the truth continues to be shared.