Last a Lifetime

I used to think I believed in people too much.

I've invested too much into the wrong relationships to the point where I'm the one getting hurt. But looking back, I know now that I wouldn't change anything I've done, just because I wouldn't necessary repeat them in the future. Making a mistake doesn't mean that you allow it to become a regret.

Say, for example I have someone really important to me that needs some motivation and I decide to call them up and give them a mini speech on the importance of investing in their education, using individual experiences as examples and words of wisdom.

The old me would've expected them to jump at the opportunity to take my advice, and anything else would have infuriated me. And every once in a while, I would think I should've never said anything.

But the thing is, I wish I didn't worry about caring too much about certain people. I wish I didn't think that I should've kept my mouth shut.

I can't control what people do with what I tell them, but I can control what I tell them, and how much I show that I'm only here to provide support.

Because the most important people in my life, the people that keep me honest and true, are the ones who aren't afraid to tell me when I'm off my game, or when they're worried about me.

And if there's one thing I've learned is that you should treat others the way you want to be treated.

I've met a lot of people in my life, but the most inspiring ones are the ones who let their words speak for themselves.  So I don't want to worry about caring too much in the future, In fact, I want to make sure the people I care about know that I care. Then, I can continue to forge those relationships that will last a lifetime.

And so it begins...and Ends

 I've never had any regrets. Well, that's a lie. I regret something once, and after I forgave myself I promised I'd never regret anything ever again.

But that doesn't mean I don't look back on my life sometimes and wish I did things a little differently. I reflect, constantly, and joke that my mind never stops because it's too busy analyzing everything, which is mentally exhausting.

So I've decided, as my last year of high school comes to a close, that I would dedicate some time to fully reflect on things I wish I did a little differently in these last few years. And as much as my list obsessive self wants to clump all of them into one post, I'm not going to. Because if I did so then I'd miss something, something that could hypothetically change everything.

And so the process of reflection begins.

How Bittersweet

Well, it's official, tomorrow is the last time I'll take an AP exam.
It's almost kind of sad, because it marks the end of an era for me. My high school career is ending, but with it, a new part of my life is beginning; the true beginning to my adulthood, my independence, my journey to self-discovery. Soon enough I'll be graduating from here, leaving my legacy, getting ready to stop onto my college campus.

Tomorrow, I take my last AP exam, and officially start to say goodbye.

How bittersweet.

This morning, I feel inspired. Actually, I'm more tired than inspired, but nevertheless I feel inspired enough to spend the hour and a half commute from Far Rockaway to write. Granted, it won't take nearly that long to do so, but the fact that I'm not dozing off on this shuttle bus has got to count for something.

I just realized something that I'm pretty sure I've realized many times before. The thing about realizations, however, is that they come in waves, which means my life has become full of the constant wave of self-discovery.

I'm about to graduate. Now this may not seem like news to anyone who reads this blog, but trust me, it is to me. Because even thouh I've spent the entire year preparing myself for next fall, it didn't feel real until now-until I committed to a college and watched all my friends do the same, or fully understood that college is going to be the first time where I will feel like a minority. People keep asking me to partake in these panel discussions about how it feels to be a founding member of a school, or the  tips I would give to people taking a college now class for the first time next fall, and I find myself reflecting about these past four years. It's a bittersweet experience, thinking about what I'm gonna leave behind but simultaneously gain as I embark on this next segment of my life. I've never felt so grown up, to the point where I almost can't remember how my life was before this point.
Almost.

The fact is, I'm going to say goodbye soon, which means leaving behind all the words of wisdom I've given. But the wonderful thing about being an Uncommoner, especially since I'm one of the first, is that I'll never really  officially have to say goodbye. These last four years-or these last eight years actually-will always be a part of who I am and where I'm from; all the good and the bad.

Leaving what might as well be my second home will not be easy,  but knowing that I can always come back, and that I've chosen a place that will undoubtedly become my new home next fall  and for the next four years makes it easier.

As for my legacy, also known as this blog, my words have kept it alive for four years, and soon it will be time to hand it down to someone whose words of wisdom and experiences will ensure that it stays alive. Luckily for me, I have found the perfect person to do so, someone who inspires me constantly, whose words must be shared.
And if you're wondering who this special person is, you'll just have to wait. My time on here may be almost over, but I can still leave you with a good cliffhanger.  

It's Wonderful Isn't It?

This college process has not been an easy one, and hasn't always been fun for me, which I'm pretty sure a lot of you know. But in the end, it becomes completely worth it when you find the perfect school for you, that school that you know in your heart you're going to attend.

It's been a long process. I mean, I remember when Syracuse University was the only school I saw myself in. Now look at me.

Tomorrow I'm going to commit to Bay Path College.

Who knew an award from a small women's college in Massachusetts would change my life? But the thing is, it wasn't just the award. It was the handwritten notes I received. It was that I can text admissions counselors any questions I have, that the teachers in my future legal studies classes are lawyers, attorneys, and judges who know their students by name. It was that first conversation with a freshman I had, and the last conversation I had with an alumni who not only empowers me to follow my dreams and her footsteps of becoming  a lawyer, but is so happy for me that she's  willing to help me in any way possible.

The fact is, I've found a school that truly makes me happy, which makes all the applications with five different parts, all the stress, all the arguments with people trying to tell me what school would be a better fit for me, all the nights spent on the phone with my best friend talking about how it feels as if  I'm growing up too fast, completely and utterly worth it.

And the wonderful thing is, I wouldn't change any of it, because whose to say that if I did I would be as happy with the decision I'm about to make as I am right now?

Maybe, Just Maybe...

In high school, you only see the parts of people they wish to reveal. Most of the time, people stay in the same groups, and once in a while you meet someone you wouldn't normally talk to and realize how monotonous your days are.

You can't wait to graduate but the thought of going away to college can become the scariest thing you've ever had to think about.

Relationships are fleeting, as the events of them fill the pages of your journal that you'll keep forever  for memories, and are the topic of every conversation, as you analyze every word said and message sent. Love is an almost foreign concept, as people would rather flirt than truly open up and get to know each other.

Relationships  and  friends are two separate things, and when they become intertwined, life gets complicated and the lines get blurred.

Everyone seems to want to be popular, even if they won't admit it, and as you fall for a guy, he's falling for a girl that society says is more beautiful, while she falls for someone who isn't him. 

And the cycle continues.

You yearn to truly find yourself in a place where it seems as if you have to turn off how you really feel to survive, and soon enough you get so caught up in the latest argument on Facebook or a twenty-five second conversation, that you forget about how much of your life you have yet to live.

Because in high school, every feeling you have is momentous, every  realization that occurs changes your life completely, and inspiration becomes an unexpected surprise.

I just wonder, how different high school would be if we could all figure ourselves out before then, but then again I wonder if anyone ever really figures themselves out. Maybe I wouldn't always be trying to understand myself, or what I want to do with my life. Maybe love wouldn't be so complicated  and the guy I like wouldn't be trying to fit in with an in-group that will never give him the time of day, while I'm trying to get his attention, in an attempt for him to really  see me. Maybe people wouldn't judge people based on things they obviously can't control, like the color of their skin, or their sexual orientation.

Or maybe pigs are gonna fly one day.

Losing my Mind and Brain Cells

The problem with television is that I use it to turn off all the noise in my head, but the shows that are on television today are such garbage  that anyone with a brain would have to think about how terrible it is that these even exist. 

For thirty minutes, I watched  Wicked Single, a show where these almost thirty year olds preach that age is just a number, while downing vodka and redbull and dancing on table tops, then waking up the next day with a hangover claiming to feel like "a hundred bucks."

I have no words.

Actually I do, several in fact. The fact that this show was made, so that  these people could act like idiots on television and are paid an exorbitant amount of money to do so, while all they do is perpetuate all the stereotypes of an entire city and population of people, is infuriating.

These people will probably make more money in one season of this show than I'll make in my entire life, even after I  get my degree, masters, and go to law school.

Does that make sense, seeing as education is the key to success?

What I want to know is, when are teachers and public defenders going to get paid more? When is television going to be something more than a way for advertisements to force feed us their rhetoric so when can buy more useless material?

This county's idea of success is skewed, and the garbage our society is littered with just perpetuates it further. 

I need to stop watching television, because I'll either  lose my mind marveling at this ridiculousness  or lose some brain cells from the trash that's promoted.