Losing my Mind and Brain Cells

The problem with television is that I use it to turn off all the noise in my head, but the shows that are on television today are such garbage  that anyone with a brain would have to think about how terrible it is that these even exist. 

For thirty minutes, I watched  Wicked Single, a show where these almost thirty year olds preach that age is just a number, while downing vodka and redbull and dancing on table tops, then waking up the next day with a hangover claiming to feel like "a hundred bucks."

I have no words.

Actually I do, several in fact. The fact that this show was made, so that  these people could act like idiots on television and are paid an exorbitant amount of money to do so, while all they do is perpetuate all the stereotypes of an entire city and population of people, is infuriating.

These people will probably make more money in one season of this show than I'll make in my entire life, even after I  get my degree, masters, and go to law school.

Does that make sense, seeing as education is the key to success?

What I want to know is, when are teachers and public defenders going to get paid more? When is television going to be something more than a way for advertisements to force feed us their rhetoric so when can buy more useless material?

This county's idea of success is skewed, and the garbage our society is littered with just perpetuates it further. 

I need to stop watching television, because I'll either  lose my mind marveling at this ridiculousness  or lose some brain cells from the trash that's promoted. 

America the "Enlightened"

I was inspired by the everlasting words of Mr. Washington:

In a society that characterizes us by ethnicities and races
through the boxes we check on forms on a daily basis
even if we're from two, three, four different places

my identity is ambiguous. 

I've gotta choose one box, but in my mind, I see myself in three.
I'm a latina,
Puertorriqueña,
 una Americana,
but according to society, I can only choose one.
So I ask myself—where am I really from?
My ancestors came from the campos of Puerto Rico to the land of plentiful, of opportunity,
so my parents, their children
could live the American Dream.
To a land that promised Puerto Rico they came to provide prosperity, protection and peace--
only to oppress the people with their speech.

To a land that told the people:

"We bestow upon you the immunities and blessings of an enlightened nation."

Enlightened nation.

If you're so enlightened, why did you "save the people of Puerto Rico" from the grip of Spain,
only to colonize them again,
and attempt to erase their identities like they're some sort of sin?

We bestow upon you?

Let me tell you what this really means—
We bestow upon you our culture—deemed superior.

We bestow upon you a foreign language—meant to Americanize you.

We bestow upon you the right to elect your own governor, after decades  of forced colonization.

We bestow upon you the title:
El Estado Libre Asociado de Puerto Rico."
A common wealth.

An "unincorporated dependent territory."

So where does that leave me?

I'm cursed —with an ambiguous identity —forced
 to choose between where I'm from and where I was born,

left with the America's national anthem forever stuck in my mind.

but right now, it looks like I've just lost my pride in this country.

I remember when

Maybe I've been reading to much The Brief and Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao, but I remember when I was a sensitive and emotional sweetheart, almost as innocent as Snow White herself, all before I decided that growing up and becoming strong meant waiting to show how I felt for a right time that didn't exist. I miss that girl—someone who didn't replace her emotions with constant rationale and composure. Every once in a while, when  I get tired of conforming to social norms like making small talk and go back to hopelessly awkward self, or when I forget to internalize my emotions and just feel, I take a good hard look at the world I live in, and where I fit into it. I wonder about whether I've mistaken my intelligence for obedience,  whether my skewed ideas of success and happiness has resulted in my level of prejudice towards people I should've given myself the chance to really know before this year. I wonder why I continue to make these concrete plans that  I force myself into, when in fact I've always been a person whose plan continuously evolves. I wonder if I will ever exchange my love for government or the passion for giving the people that make this country a voice for a chair in the Senate.

I've become obsessed with finding who I am, but don't know where to start, because I don't know what ideas and parts of me are really mine or just the result of my conformity.

Inspire Me World

Inspiration always come unexpectedly for me. I didn't expect for the last common ground to inspire me to write spoken word of my own for the first time, or to finally analyze my ambiguous identity as a hispano-americana. I didn't expect to realize that I dream of being trilingual and learning sign language because there's an entire culture out there that I can't wait to learn about. I never expected to fall in love with acting or student government.
As graduation nears, I realize that there so many things I haven't experienced yet, so many cultures I haven't immersed in yet, so many books I have yet to read, so many classes I've never taken.
I have so many people to meet, so many things to fall in love with, so many novels to write, so much spoken poetry to  perform, so many epiphanies to have.
It's funny, I thought growing up would be much more dreadful than it actually is, but I can't stop smiling.

What If

Someone once told me that inspiration comes from life experiences, and that has rung true. As I grow up I realize that my world is on the verge of a total expansion that both intimidates and excites me. As I venture onto the campuses of colleges I may be on in the next few months, as I'm thrown into situations by chance, as the words of Sylvia Plath and J.D Salinger become the inspiration for my own novel, as I lose people to the unexpectedness of death, the world becomes increasingly real. And before I know it, my mind never stops as I form opinions of things I've never thought about. My poetry is no longer about singular occurrences of heart break, but breaking through the boundaries of  the ideas I took for granted and now meet with skepticism. My aspirations for a higher education are no longer for the acquisition of material and a skewed definition of success, but for the belief that knowledge is power and ignorance never has been and never will be bliss. My plan is no longer written in permanent marker, or engraved in concrete, but subject to change.

 Everything is changing; my writing, my taste in music, what inspires me, visions of my  future that used to be so clear. 

But what if change is exactly what's supposed to happen?

What if we never fully find ourselves, or exactly what we want to do for the rest of our lives? What if we're meant to change our minds constantly, to continuously broaden our horizons, redefine the words we take for granted, disregard the labels and social hierarchies we obsess over? What if our minds are never supposed to stop running? What if we stopped blindly partaking in party politics and the social structures that say living in the projects is equivalent to living in poverty and marriage is between only a man and a woman?

The fabric of my entire world seems to be continuously changing, and even though it terrifies me, I feel myself yearning for it. 

Just a Thought

Choosing a college is the hardest thing I've had to do.

Thinking about it, choosing one  is simple because if I really think about it, there was only ever two colleges I felt I had to choose from. 

And now it has become one.

I have realized that the amount of money spent on a college doesn't make your education.

We just think it does.

For a while now, I've been thinking about what I really want from a college; a small school that allows individualized attention, with a supportive community that challenges me to never stop challenging the norms of society.

But then I have this other idea, that I've been forming for years now; the more money I spend on my education, and the bigger the name of the college I go to, the more successful I'll become, the more money I'll make. 

The happier I'll be.

But why is it that money is associated with happiness? Why have my parents been stressed for years about making more money, even if we have almost everything we need? Why is that people put so much significance on the acquisition of the dollar bill?

A piece of paper. 

Today I realized that my idea of success and happiness is erroneous, mislead.
The amount of money you make and the material you acquire doesn't measure how happy you are, or how far you'll make it in life, even if there are social constructs that justify the latter. 

So what I do now, as I grow up in a society where people are obsessed with making more than the person next to them in order to move up in this unnatural system of of institutional inequality that is accepted as the norm?

The road to becoming an individual in a world of conformity is a difficult one, but I refuse to accept these ideas that are believed without any doubt. 

Here's Some Advice

Okay Freshman, here's my advice:

1. Do your prepwork. Seriously just do it.
2. Talk to your teachers. They're more understanding and down to earth than you think.
3. Organize yourself. Trust me, one super folder is not the solution to where to put all your stuff.
4. Take advantage of office hours, even when you can't remaster. Sometimes you just need to go over something outside of class to understand it fully.
5. Try learning the rules instead of automatically fighting them. It may seem crazy to you, but they actually do have a purpose.
6. Pay attention in class, especially to what your classmates say. Some of the best notes aren't actually on the power point. 
7. Don't stress out about things you can't control, like how you're gonna pay for medical school. In situations like this, you just need to wait and figure it out.
8. Don't be afraid when your interests change. I went from being  declared journalism major with a future at the New York Times to a government obsessed writer with dreams of going to law school and becoming a state Senator. Crazy, huh?
9. Don't get too caught up in the drama of high school. It may not seem like it now, but these four years are just a stage of your life that will soon evolve into a new one. 
10. Dream big. If you want to a school newspaper, make one. If you want to become a lead in the Spring musical, audition. If you want to run for student government president, go ahead and run. This is your school, so take advantage of it. It may not always seem like it, but the student body is what makes UCHS.
11. Don't let anyone tell you what college you want to attend. At the end of the day, it's going to be your time, your life, your money (along with your parent's and the government's if you wanna be technical). Find  colleges that will help you grow as a person, will help you realize your interests, will be what you want, not what others want. This is is your education, your future. Choose what you want.