What If

Someone once told me that inspiration comes from life experiences, and that has rung true. As I grow up I realize that my world is on the verge of a total expansion that both intimidates and excites me. As I venture onto the campuses of colleges I may be on in the next few months, as I'm thrown into situations by chance, as the words of Sylvia Plath and J.D Salinger become the inspiration for my own novel, as I lose people to the unexpectedness of death, the world becomes increasingly real. And before I know it, my mind never stops as I form opinions of things I've never thought about. My poetry is no longer about singular occurrences of heart break, but breaking through the boundaries of  the ideas I took for granted and now meet with skepticism. My aspirations for a higher education are no longer for the acquisition of material and a skewed definition of success, but for the belief that knowledge is power and ignorance never has been and never will be bliss. My plan is no longer written in permanent marker, or engraved in concrete, but subject to change.

 Everything is changing; my writing, my taste in music, what inspires me, visions of my  future that used to be so clear. 

But what if change is exactly what's supposed to happen?

What if we never fully find ourselves, or exactly what we want to do for the rest of our lives? What if we're meant to change our minds constantly, to continuously broaden our horizons, redefine the words we take for granted, disregard the labels and social hierarchies we obsess over? What if our minds are never supposed to stop running? What if we stopped blindly partaking in party politics and the social structures that say living in the projects is equivalent to living in poverty and marriage is between only a man and a woman?

The fabric of my entire world seems to be continuously changing, and even though it terrifies me, I feel myself yearning for it. 

Just a Thought

Choosing a college is the hardest thing I've had to do.

Thinking about it, choosing one  is simple because if I really think about it, there was only ever two colleges I felt I had to choose from. 

And now it has become one.

I have realized that the amount of money spent on a college doesn't make your education.

We just think it does.

For a while now, I've been thinking about what I really want from a college; a small school that allows individualized attention, with a supportive community that challenges me to never stop challenging the norms of society.

But then I have this other idea, that I've been forming for years now; the more money I spend on my education, and the bigger the name of the college I go to, the more successful I'll become, the more money I'll make. 

The happier I'll be.

But why is it that money is associated with happiness? Why have my parents been stressed for years about making more money, even if we have almost everything we need? Why is that people put so much significance on the acquisition of the dollar bill?

A piece of paper. 

Today I realized that my idea of success and happiness is erroneous, mislead.
The amount of money you make and the material you acquire doesn't measure how happy you are, or how far you'll make it in life, even if there are social constructs that justify the latter. 

So what I do now, as I grow up in a society where people are obsessed with making more than the person next to them in order to move up in this unnatural system of of institutional inequality that is accepted as the norm?

The road to becoming an individual in a world of conformity is a difficult one, but I refuse to accept these ideas that are believed without any doubt. 

Here's Some Advice

Okay Freshman, here's my advice:

1. Do your prepwork. Seriously just do it.
2. Talk to your teachers. They're more understanding and down to earth than you think.
3. Organize yourself. Trust me, one super folder is not the solution to where to put all your stuff.
4. Take advantage of office hours, even when you can't remaster. Sometimes you just need to go over something outside of class to understand it fully.
5. Try learning the rules instead of automatically fighting them. It may seem crazy to you, but they actually do have a purpose.
6. Pay attention in class, especially to what your classmates say. Some of the best notes aren't actually on the power point. 
7. Don't stress out about things you can't control, like how you're gonna pay for medical school. In situations like this, you just need to wait and figure it out.
8. Don't be afraid when your interests change. I went from being  declared journalism major with a future at the New York Times to a government obsessed writer with dreams of going to law school and becoming a state Senator. Crazy, huh?
9. Don't get too caught up in the drama of high school. It may not seem like it now, but these four years are just a stage of your life that will soon evolve into a new one. 
10. Dream big. If you want to a school newspaper, make one. If you want to become a lead in the Spring musical, audition. If you want to run for student government president, go ahead and run. This is your school, so take advantage of it. It may not always seem like it, but the student body is what makes UCHS.
11. Don't let anyone tell you what college you want to attend. At the end of the day, it's going to be your time, your life, your money (along with your parent's and the government's if you wanna be technical). Find  colleges that will help you grow as a person, will help you realize your interests, will be what you want, not what others want. This is is your education, your future. Choose what you want. 

It Will Make Sense Along the Way

I've been stressing out lately, and asking myself all of these questions that I can't answer.
I have the tendency to do that, freak out about everything.

My friends like to tell me that I need to calm down.

The funny thing is,  a lot of the things I stress out about are things I don't really need to be thinking about yet.

Like how I'm going to pay for law school when I haven't gone to college yet.

And it's kind of weird, because I used to to be a person that always wanted to do everything and anything.

I never really had one dream job, but a million of them.

I wanted to be a writer who studied government, acted in shows on my own time, and taught Spanish on weeknights just because.

And now I've realized, I'm still the same way. I guess I just thought that I had to have everything figured out.

But I don't.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not just wait and see, everything will work out in the end. I'm usually naturally a little stressed out, remember?

But I've forgotten all the things that I want to be when I grow up. I've forgotten that I don't have to choose one thing, one university, one law school. I can figure it out as I go.

Someone once told me that one-track planning is poor planning. I'm thinking about making that into a sign for my wall in my room, so every time I start freaking about the price of law school, or what specific type of psychology I want to study in college, I'll take a second to breathe and just wait to  figure it out naturally.

But that doesn't mean I don't still want to be Governor of New York. A girl can dream, right?

Back to myself

You ever feel like you lose sight of yourself of what you really want in the midst of living life? Like you become so preoccupied with updating your status on Facebook, or  analyzing the thirty second conversation you had with the person you're interested in, or even how much of a an unnecessary game high school seems to be at times, that you forget what makes you who are, or the dreams you once had?

I haven't written in almost two months, and that should be a sin. I haven't played guitar in longer, and that feels even worse.

I miss doing things that make me remember what makes me who I am. I miss keeping a journal, and writing impromptu songs when a melody would pop into my head. 

And maybe I'm feeling this because I'm about to leave home for college soon. Maybe it's because I recently completely changed my career to politician after months of searching and self discovery. I don't really know.

All I know is, there are so many things that I need to do. 

I need to start writing again. I need to get off Facebook. I need to take out my guitar and learn some more Green Day and Nirvana songs. I need to listen to more Janis Joplin and watch more PBS news.

It feels good to write again. It's as if I've found something that I lost in my life. 

Giving Thanks

There are so many things to be thankful for in life, and not just on Thanksgiving, but it's hard to forget. so I decided to it down, and really think about all the things I had to be thankful for, and as I love to do, make a list of it. This really has become a tradition.

I am thankful for:

1. My parent's support while I stress over my last year in high school and college
2. My dad allowing me to record epic shows such as Switched at Birth and The Vampire Diaries when I can't watch them on the weekdays.
3. An amazing mentor who believes I can get into my dream school even when I don't.
4. An english teacher who sees me as a leader inside and outside the classroom as she opens my eyes to what a college English and philosophy will look like.
5. A teacher's assistant who has helped what used to be my broken spanish evolve into  something, who motivated me to swallow my fear and take AP Spanish this year, who has inspired to dream of learning and teaching spanish in the future.
6. A little sister who I can call nicknames like squishy head, and count on to annoy me to the point of insanity, but only because she cares
7. A family who will take me in during a time of crisis and make me feel as if their home is the closest to a second home I'll ever get
8.  My dad getting me Maroon 5 tickets for my birthday. Bless his soul.
9. For all the nights my mother and I have sat together and watched romantic classics together, something that has become a beautiful tradition.
10. For two best friends who know me better than I myself, and have shown me how supportive and genuine true friends can be.
11. For a year of inspiring classes that have helped me become obsessed with topics like politics and philosophy.
12. For certain underclassman that never cease to amaze me.
13. For peers who have surprised me this year by becoming people I can not only count on, but also people who have made me smile and laugh when I'm on h verge of tears.
14. For artists like Cher Lloyd, The Yeah Yeah Yeahs, and Green  Day, whose songs I've had on repeat
15. For parents who wish more for me than they had, and do everything in their power to give that to me.

Full of maybes

My college list is broken up into two categories; colleges I can see myself at, and colleges that are actually feasible. It's sad, really, thinking about the fact that my dream school may just be that, a dream. 

And as I finish my college applications, I have this recurring dream, or more specifically, nightmare, where I await college acceptances that never come. 

As morbid as that sounds, I'm sure I'm not the only senior whose had this feeling.

But for the first time, I found a school that didn't fit either of these categories.

For the first time, I see myself at a school, but not only in my dreams, in the future.

And maybe it's a women's school.

Maybe I didn't know about it until the school gave me a merit scholarship.

All I know is, after having an hour long conversation with a freshman at Bay Path College it  just replaced Syracuse University as my number one school. 

Because I love Syracuse university. Hell, I'd sell my soul to go there, if I had the chance.

But it's my dream school. That school that I'd go to if I didn't have to think about anything.

But the reality is, I have a lot to think about. I have to think about how my parents are going to cosign on my loans, parents who want to move out of the projects of Far Rockaway About how I have a litle sister who needs to go to college as well.

And maybe I have it all wrong. Maybe I'll finally get to wear that Syracuse  sweater I stole from my ex-boyfriend on its campus next fall. Maybe a letter from Posse got lost in the mail, and I'm actually a finalist. Maybe University of Pennsylvania's need based financial aid isn't actually a myth and my acceptance letter will  be accompanied with an immense of money that I won't be able to refuse. Maybe I'm the future mayor of New York who is a professor of political science on the weekends. Maybe I'll come back to Uncommon to teach Spanish.

And maybe I'll go to Bay Path College.